Showing posts with label 21st Century. Show all posts
Showing posts with label 21st Century. Show all posts

Wednesday, March 13, 2019

Continuity Cavalcade #2 - Supernatural Encounters in the Star Wars Universe



Joe Bongiorno has turned out one of the most continuity-heavy Star Wars Legends pieces yet! And you'd better believe that it turns everything you know about Star Wars upside-down.

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Image Source: www.starwarstimeline.net

Friday, December 21, 2018

Top Ten A-List Films of 2018

2018 was a wild ride without these movies. How can I even describe what it was like with them?

A million thanks to all my listeners. You are the stars. <3

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Wednesday, October 31, 2018

Wish Upon (2017), by John R. Leonetti



Comedy gold. HAPPY HALLOWEEN EVERYONE!!!

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Wednesday, October 24, 2018

Octane (2003), by Marcus Adams



Those goshdarn hifalutin' whippersnapper young people! Back in my day we didn't disrespect or disobey our parents, no sir. Almost a relief when these young folks get kidnapped by random highway-dwelling Satanic cults, dontchaknow?

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Thursday, August 23, 2018

Tyler's Perry Acrimony (2018), by Tyler Perry



Tyler Perry has made a legitimately great film. But it's great because of its almost obsessive fixation on topping its own oddity.

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Thursday, April 5, 2018

The Identical (2014), by Dustin Marcellino


*

This is one of those..."hint movies." They have the perpetual hint of trash about them, but they're consistently circling the trash drain, never quite dipping too deep down below the waters. Eventually, there is a moment of release--in many of these films, there are sometimes several such moments--but the whole affair feels too solid, too well-disguised, for the distinct traces be properly identifiable. My first true Christsploitation movie on the site (Noah didn't count) is The Identical, a movie about the story of Elvis with a Christian spin--and man, does it make some weird decisions.

Based loosely on the possibilities of the fact that Elvis Presley had a miscarried twin brother, we follow the Hemsleys, a Depression-era couple whose child turns out to be twins. They can take care of one child, but not the other, and so when William Hemsley goes to a tent sermon led by Reverend Wade, he hears the words "It is better to give than to receive" and takes them perhaps a bit too literally. You see, Mrs. Wade has miscarried multiple times and it seems unlikely that the Wades will ever have a child. This is going where you think it's going--yes, William wants to give one of the babies to the Reverend and his wife. His own wife resists as first but fortunately they resolve it offscreen, and little Dexter Hemsley becomes Ryan Wade. The Hemsleys hold a funeral for their child (...why?) and we cut away to instead follow Ryan Wade as he grows up. His father wants him to be a preacher, but Ryan is much more interested in music, particularly the nascent genre of rock and roll. His father continually punishes him for sneaking out to rock clubs (or "honky-tonks" as he calls them) and eventually makes him join the Army...hey, just like that Elvis guy! (Except Elvis was drafted, not pushed in by his dad.) Ryan eventually hears about rock legend Drexel "The Dream" Hemsley, who maintains the same level of fame in this universe as Elvis; after marrying his girlfriend Janey, Ryan decides to enter a Drexel Impersonator contest which the King himself is judging. He's so good that he gets a deal as "the Identical," a Drexel cover artist who gets paid as much as Drexel himself (!!!). Eventually however Drexel dies in a plane crash (just like Elvis?) and Ryan retires, aiming to make peace with himself and his father, as well as his birth family when he learns of them. He decides to return to music in the end, so that his brother's dream can live on.

This movie is actually pretty sweet, even though I don't share its religious values, and even though it twists history to do what it yearns to do. The acting is good, the sentiment seems real, the filmmakers obviously adore and respect Elvis, the direction is pretty solid, it's pretty-looking, and it actually lands quite a few of its jokes. Of course, I may speak from a position of relief that this movie is never truly uncomfortable (except for one possible moment explored below); still, Stockholm Syndrome is better than what I can usually hope for in a movie like this, so I'll take it.

That having been said. It's still a movie about an Elvis impersonator who is as successful as Elvis himself. It's still about a movie put in that situation by a couple faking their child's death to cover up a simple adoption situation. (Did they seriously think adoption wasn't a thing during the Depression?) It's still a movie where a husband tells his wife to her face, "Maybe we can just give up the one?" It's still a movie where the first dialogue that isn't narration is some incredibly jarring yelling. But that's not the full depth of it. For one thing...Elvis exists in this universe. I have seen this commented on by everyone who's ever reviewed it, but it bears repeating time and time again: Elvis Presley is mentioned to exist and have the same career as he did in real life in this universe. Meaning this is a movie about a hugely successful Elvis impersonator who is himself impersonating an Elvis impersonator. A single line that includes Elvis in this universe undoes the whole dynamic, but that's really only the biggest problem.

Janey is originally seeing someone else when she re-enters Ryan's life, working as a nurse. However, he keeps creeping on her, calling her from work over and over, and sending her flowers. Worse, he uses the fact that she accidentally revealed the identity of one of her patients--Drexel Hemsley's dying mother--to creep on, well, a stranger's mother, because when Ryan decides to creep into the room of the hospital where Janey works to see Mrs. Hemsley, he doesn't know they're related. He explains to her, "I'm a big fan of your son's music and I just wanted to offer you a little prayer," but if someone came into my hospital room when I was sleeping and that was their explanation I would say something along the lines of, "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!" Admittedly, the conclusion to this creepiness results in the pretty-funny scene where Ryan and his boss from the auto shop show up to serenade Janey, getting arrested in the process--he convinces her to get a single cup of coffee with him, and we Gilligan Cut from his arrest to their getting married. Again, this movie does do some things right.

It's interesting because while the movie insinuates that rock and roll was invented by two white guys playing black guys' instruments (actually, from a metaphorical statement, that's...well I mean the white guys don't steal the instruments in this case...), it takes a strong stand against traditional conservative authority. Reverend Wade's treatment of Ryan is shown to be, if not abusive, then sincerely troubling, for both of them, especially when it results in the elder man's heart attack. The movie seems to say that that old way of yelling at your kids, making them follow in your footsteps whether they want to or not, telling them to "be a man," shipping them off to the Army for misbehaving...that hurts both of them, and only in letting it go do the old priest and his son find peace. When the cop shows up to bust the "honky-tonk" that Ryan sings at (with the term itself being a racially-charged phrase), he says to the mostly-black crowd the place is "dark and stinky" and that it's full of "reefers and devil music." Ryan tells him there's nothing wrong with the people there and gets a punch to the gut. Racism and intolerance towards certain types of music are condemned just as surely as that '50s household lifestyle is. Where I was perhaps a bit uncomfortable was where the movie had a scene set during the Six-Day War which was likely intended as an analogy for a modern-day pro-Israel message. It feels out of place with the rest of the movie, but, chemical weapons aside, the scene is framed to be more of a pro-Judaism message, which I support (though I know that associating modern Israel with Judaism can be uncomfortable for some). For a Southern white church in the '60s to include a Menorah in their church and to declare foreign Jewish folk to be God's Chosen People seems pretty progressive to me. This is sort of a setup to when Ryan finds out later that Mrs. Hemsley was Jewish, making him Jewish as well--a fact which seems to delight him. For once, I feel I can presume innocence, and feel comfortable believing that this movie is just pro-Jewish, which is much-needed in movies in the 2010s.

I have so much difficulty digging into the strangeness of this movie, and why they might have done it the way they did. I'm glad that its quirks exist, though, and I can be distracted by such gems as the confirmation that Drexel Hemsley did in fact star in a series of increasingly-shitty beach movies before his untimely demise, just like his real-life counterpart (err...impersonatee?). I can notice little bits like the fact that Ryan's adopted mom never ages even while Pastor Wade shrivels into an old mummy. I can look forward to the bizarre Tarzan yodel Reverend Wade lets out when he finds out Ryan knows the truth about his parentage. Yes, this is a "bad movie." And, it's part of a genre which I normally otherwise find to be really upsetting. But it largely avoids offense and thus carries enough of that elusive hint, that seductive trashy odor, to make it a classic for me.

* Call me crazy, but I looked over my copy a few different times and for the life of me, I swear this movie has no title card. My DVD actually stopped working after my last look-through, and appears to have died permanently! That's why I've used the poster instead, which, incidentally, is from IMDB.

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Friday, October 27, 2017

Shark Exorcist (2015), by Donald Farmer



Here we are at last. Spookyween comes to the present day.

To those of you who came for the horror recs, this must seem like a disappointing end to Spookyween, as there's no way this movie can be good. To those of you who came here because you're a trash hipster like me, this must seem like a disappointing end as well, because I blew my chance to talk about the Donald Farmer movie that MATTERS. Yes, it's true, we didn't do Demon Queen this year. And no, I haven't seen Vampire Cop, if that's the Donald Farmer film you think is the Big One. Fact is, I needed a movie for the 2010s and The Amazing Bulk sure as shit isn't a horror movie--well, not conventionally, anyway. I've generally tried on this site to steer away from the maxim that trash is dead in the 21st Century, if anything because many of the great trash creators of yesterday are still alive and kickin'. Shark Exorcist is definitely indicative of the decline of the "bad movie" as time condemns that "genre" to mind-melting self-awareness, but the movie overcomes the crass cash-grabbiness of its title with sheer oddity. Farmer probably unknowingly shows us that if trash is to survive, it won't be in a form akin to the movies he was making in the '80s and '90s. It's probably the Neil Breen/Tommy Wiseau school of what-the-fuckery that will be remembered by people like me in the future, which Farmer comes hauntingly close to emulating.

A nun named Sister Blair is actually a Satanist, and she is presently wanted for torturing thirteen children to death in the name of the Devil. While the nun's on the run, she is confronted by a woman who knows of her crimes--she stabs this interloper and offers her body to the ocean, praying to Satan for an avenger. Said avenger takes on the form of a predictably awful-looking CGI shark. A red shark with glowing yellow eyes, no less! The shark first attacks Emily, Lauren, and Ali, a trio of friends who have decided to vacation by the lake. Ali is badly injured, but strangely, it's Lauren who seems most profoundly affected by the encounter with the creature. She becomes withdrawn and apathetic, almost seeming to take pleasure in the fact that her friend was hurt; eventually, she begins expressing an obsession with fish and water. Emily, with the aid of a priest named Father Michael, must slowly uncover the secret of the spirit that now lives inside Lauren. While this is happening we also follows the crew of a TV show called Ghost Whackers (?) as they invoke the spirit of the shark, causing the main hostess to be possessed multiple times (??). It all ends, of course, with a Shark Exorcism from a Shark Exorcist, and a(n un)predictable twist ending.

The reason why most people would be inclined to write Shark Exorcist off as irredeemable comes from the shaky boom in sharksploitation (ugh) movies these last few years. You know them, but I'll name them anyway: Sharknado, Ghost Shark, Two-Headed Shark Attack, Sharktopus, and probably many others which went straight to video on labels so small not even the Intentional Bad Movie fans could find them. I'll hear about them now and again in bits and pieces for the rest of my life, turning to them desperately at last after I've scratched my way all through the darkest deeps of women-in-prison flicks, Mondo movies, Z-list teen sex comedies, and all the other stuff I'll have to look to when I run out of the material I normally like. Anyway, Shark Exorcist is not that bad, largely because it's not done bad on purpose. There's only one moment of intentional comedy I can think of, and it actually works because it's so unexpected: Emily says, "It's like she's..." And we assume of course she's going to say "possessed," because this movie is unusually earnest when it comes to lines like that. But instead, the line comes out: "...really fucked up." Duh-dun-TSS.

What is bad is that the film is overly repetitive. Really, the same few scenes are repeated a couple of times--and the movie doesn't even reach its full 70 minutes before the end. There are several minutes of end credits, and then a frankly fascinating post-credits scene which I'll get to in a bit, which lasts for about ten minutes. This is a short film projected artificially to barely-feature length. But, oh, ho, ho, does it make up for it. Donald Farmer has lost none of the weirdness that makes movies like Demon Queen stand out decades later.

There are the possession scenes. Nothing spells fun like an adult flailing on the ground, shouting out garbage like, "I...will...eat...your...flesh...and...swallow...your...souls!" in the same voice middle schoolers do when trying to imitate their favorite death metal songs. Speaking of middle schoolers, we get a scene where Lauren, whilst in the throes of demon-shark possession, goes to a playground and comes across a character who is seemingly a child--except, she is played by an adult actress, so I assume she is supposed to be mentally handicapped. In a tonal whiplash which the film will repeat only once, Lauren takes this girl to a pool, where it is heavily implied she is going to molest her. It's just uncomfortable, but it's the first of a few nuggets of discomfort which help me feel that this movie is actually a little scary.

The next nugget is particularly visceral because it kinds of makes me wonder if I should be so quick to praise Director Farmer. This is kind of an infamous scene for those who have watched or heard of this, from what I can tell, but we get a prolonged sequence of a girl taking a nap in the sun while a fat man parades around her, taking increasingly creepy pictures of her semi-nude body. And then, he just leaves--not having directly harmed her, but with no explanation either! This movie is pretty sleazy when it comes to the female body, but it dives in headfirst in what we could guess is perhaps a bit of self-awareness. Maybe Farmer wants us to feel uncomfortable. Maybe he wants us to feel guilty for the voyeurism, deliberate or otherwise, that embody when we watch movies like this. But barring a statement from Farmer himself it's impossible for me to say.

And there is the post-credits sequence. Call me a blasphemer if you wish, but I will say the following with all sincerity: this scene is scarier than anything in The actual Exorcist. There, I said it. I have no apologies. The Exorcist took up two hours of my time and I still rolled my eyes and said, "The book was a lot better" (which is no insult to the book). Anyway: we end with a girl, who seems to be a high schooler, going into an aquarium which appears to be in the local mall. She expresses an uncomfortable amount of affection for the stuffed sharks they have there, and also rubs herself up against the tank like Lauren did when she was possessed. But then, while staring into the tank, she starts to break down crying. No one notices. She steps outside and leans against a wall, panting heavily as if shrugging off a severe near-death experience. During this entire sequence, there is no sound except for ambient music.

What.

No, seriously, what the fuck was that?! That's--that's weird! Can you imagine just seeing that in real life and having no context? Why was she even doing it in context? Was she sad the fish were trapped in a tank? Was she sad because she couldn't join them in the tank? Did she see something in the water that we couldn't? I don't care if this is sequel bait (no pun intended)--this is some weird shit, and I still get goosebumps watching this scene on my third viewing.

Of course, it's ruined a little by its very tail end, where the actress spins around suddenly to jumpscare us with fake vomit. So there's that.

It's very easy to condemn Shark Exorcist, for reasons pertaining to almost every detail of its existence. Perhaps in some senses it should be condemned. But it's weirdly captivating to me, and I hope I've compellingly shared enough of its weirdness with you. I encourage you as ever to seek it out, and have some fun with it this Spookyween.

Well, this is it--this is the last movie review of 2017. But the year's not over yet--we still have Bookvember to get to! Plus, this year I'll post my Top Ten New Views for 2017. Thank you all for a wonderful year. Now get excited for BOOOOKS!

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Wednesday, October 25, 2017

Hip Hop Locos (2001), by Lorenzo Munoz Jr.



Everyone I know of who has seen Hip Hop Locos hates it bitterly and deeply. That is because most people in this world--ostensibly--are sane. Spookyween, however, is not a holiday for sanity! It is a holiday of raw, unfettered chaos. The chaos present in Hip Hop Locos is of such an idiosyncratic brand that I can't help but love this movie through and through. It may have little appeal to those of you possessed of "taste" or "standards," but that's almost the point. I can hardly explain, but here I go.

Unodoz and J10 are two rappers appalled by the lack of Mexican rappers in the hip hop industry. (This movie makes no distinction between rap and hip hop, which I am told is not super accurate--but there is enough Venn diagram overlap where this may not be naivety on the filmmakers' behalf.) Thus they concoct the brilliant scheme of killing musicians and cocaine dealers to steal their music equipment, their cocaine, or both, and using the money they get from selling that, they'll buy recording time at a studio (?). The formula for the entire film: murder scenes cut by lengthy driving sequences or shots of the two rappers in dark rooms, in both cases repeating the plot premise of killing people for drugs/equipment so as to fund their rap career ad nauseum. Near the end, we get a hilarious sequence where they are unable to locate the house of their intended victim, and when they do get to said house, the man isn't home, so they just leave and never mention him again. The ending is inconclusive. Apparently they just keep killing people and all their wishes are granted.

Because there are only three kinds of scenes in this movie--talking in rooms, talking in cars, or killing people--this movie tries to make the mundane interesting by applying "cool" video effects. Shots will bounce around or become inverted at random. It's basically just a Rally of the Sony Filters. The insistence on raising the contrast of the already-muddy shots just emphasizes the largeness of our heroes' pores. It also disguises something that it took two viewings to confirm; these rappers spend most of their time wearing their beanies over their eyes, for reasons I can't divine. Plus, there's an insistence on dropping the pitch of peoples' voices, but not for any particular reason. Sometimes the pitch shift seems to have been added to emphasize a "scary" pre-murder moment, but this is done so infrequently and with such a lack of style that it's impossible to tell.

It's also impossible to tell if this movie believes that the true rapper lifestyle is as presented or if it makes fun of people dumb enough to believe such. Most of the dialogue is the movie is hopelessly inundated with exclamations of "homes," "esse," "eh," and "y'know what I'm sayin'?" And this is where the movie achieves the glory I see in it. The second murder scene involves a coke dealer being garrotted from behind. Whoever isn't doing the strangling keeps chanting, "Choke him, homes! Choke that mothafucker, homes! Choke him! Choke him, eh! Choke him, homes! Choke him, homes!" This scene lasts for almost exactly two and a half minutes. What's depressing about this is that this is actually the most accurate scene of strangulation I've seen in a while? Some last way too long, some are way too short. I can believe that the average adult has about two and half minutes of air in him. But the chanting really makes it go on for eternity and a day.

Regarding SFX/related material. One of the victims gets himself one of those rubber sticker blood spatters you put up on windows on Halloween leaking out of his body. There is no other gore. And despite this being a movie about rap and hip hop, there are about three (hilariously awful) raps, and everything else seems to be MIDIs from a '90s point-and-click horror game. This movie couldn't even get weed. In a lot of the scenes the actors are very clearly not smoking what's in their mouths (they don't exhale smoke), but when we get close-ups of blunt-rolling, well--look, I've been to college, and I know the difference between cannabis sativa and fucking chopped lettuce. Beautiful. Simply beautiful.

If you're a fan of such classics as Five Across the Eyes and The Tony Blair Witch Project, Hip Hop Locos is a treasure trove, a pot of gold at the end of your personal rainbow. It will probably take you slightly closer to eternal damnation, but hey, what's Halloween without that? The horror is, for now, on YouTube. Tread into its den...if'n you dare!

P.S./Fun Fact: When I was younger I thought this movie was a snuff film. I realize now that was a little dumb of me, but who knows...?

Spookyween is almost over, but Bookvember is almost here. Get the party early with Patreon...and like the A-List on Facebook to get updates!

Friday, August 25, 2017

Catwoman (2004), by Pitof



Still better than Suicide Squad.

Or, if I can get a do-over: my new favorite episode of the Adam West Batman.

This movie and I have something of a history--I remember when it first came out and when I first began hearing bad reviews about it. In my first-ever issue of Nintendo Power, there was a preview for the GameCube shovelware tie-in that was about four or five pages, all predicated on the idea of the reading audience being heterosexual teen boys. Naturally they played up the sex angle of the movie as much as they could in a magazine officially aimed at kids. And when the game actually game out, they gave it 9/10. It was a mainstream gaming magazine, of course it got 9/10. In the months that passed I saw the folly of their hubris as the movie the video game was based on was torn to shreds by audiences and critics alike--I saw that Nintendo Power writers were as shameless as I am presently, liking everything they consumed without rhyme or reason. I understood a new dimension in the world of media and criticism. That brings us to today.

Catwoman is a colossal mess, but if you, like me, have had thirteen years of preparation for the moment of watching it, you will probably have a good time. It is a bad movie--a very horrible movie, as it happens. It would have been pretty devastating to have realized you paid full ticket price for a theatrical showing of this back in 2004. But in the course of writing the review for this movie I wrote down more bullet points than I ever have before for a single movie, and that's got to stand for something. The trashy moments just kept happening, and then they would cement themselves into trashy themes and trashy running gags, and soon the whole bloody architecture of the movie was nothing but rotting garbage. I haven't had so much fun with a trainwreck of this magnitude since The Room, which this movie weirdly resembles, with its odd fixations on extremely nondescript urban settings and impossibly unlikely conversations.

Patience Phillips is an extremely anxious and reserved artist who believes that she has sold out by taking a job as a graphic designer at Hedare Beauty, a major beauty company which is about to release its age-reversal product Beauline. Despite the fact that her boss, George Hedare, is obviously evil, it takes stumbling onto a covert meeting after hours for Patience to learn of Beauline's dark secret. Prolonged use of the cream creates horrible facial disfigurements which only continued use of the cream will erase--essentially, Hedare intends to make addicts out of his customers. When Patience is discovered she is flushed out of the building's sewage tunnels, which drowns her. However, she is surrounded by a horde of cats, including an Egyptian Mau which she spotted earlier and tried to rescue from climbing up on a precipice. The cats seemingly restore her to life, and when she returns she has the abilities of a cat, including tremendous agility, enhanced senses, and the power to always land on her feet. She doesn't remember what she found when she was killed nor the circumstances of her resurrection, but she soon meets Ophelia Powers, a woman who helps her understand that she is now the Catwoman, inheritor of the powers of the goddess Bastet, and she must avenge all evil. Patience intends to start by avenging her own death.

Now, I mentioned earlier that Patience tried to rescue that Egyptian Mau ("Midnight") from climbing up onto a ledge on the outside of her apartment building. Well, when she was out there risking her neck she attracted a crowd who thought she was trying to kill herself, including a cop with the rather unlikely name of Tom Lone--Lone and Patience have since become an item, though Lone is also after Catwoman, since Catwoman's first start in her quest to avenging her death involved robbing a jewelry store. This is because this has to seemingly relate back to the DC Comics stories that this whole affair is ostensibly adapted from. Once Patience is fully in touch with her role as Catwoman, and remembers the deadly secret of Beauline, she goes on the hunt to find those responsible and shut down their operation. But it may not be George Hedare that Catwoman has to worry about--after all, his wife Laurel has been stalking in the shadows of the film, slipping deeper into the darkness as she rages against her bastard of a husband and fears her own encroaching age.

So as I work my way down my list of bullet points, I see that a lot of the heat of this hot garbage comes from Patience's friend Sally, who has a lot of screentime for some reason. Sally is in this movie, seemingly, to make the movie fail the Bechdel Test so hard it made me remember the Bechdel Test was a thing. EVERY conservation she has with Patience is about men, and what women can do with male bodies. Sally is--to be somewhat impolite--a nymphomaniac. Our introduction to her is her explaining that she used her tits to get an early-release sample of Beauline from the testing plant. Every scene she's in pushes her more and more over the top, and she says some truly offensive shit, including, "You're never allowed to beat the guy at sports," and, I kid you not, "Give him some brown sugar." Yeah, if you didn't know, Patience is played by Halle Berry. The writers simply could not allow a black actress to have the line "Give him some sugar" afforded to her without making it an issue of race. I'll get into a lot of this later, because I have to briefly mention Patience's gay coworker, her only other friend, who is actually pretty lovely, even though he apparently gave her a leather catsuit for her birthday (?).

Aside from sexism and trace amounts of racism, or admittedly-dated (but not atrocious) CGI fight scenes, the movie's main focus is on the comic relief of Halle Berry as a cat. To specify, her first meeting with Ophelia Powers ends with her sniffing catnip and getting high off of it. That's it. She freaks out about the 'nip, and--Scene. Observe ye also the digressions of Halle Berry hissing at dogs, running away from rain, and eating eight cans of tuna in one sitting. It all culminates in a scene where Catwoman goes into a club (whose staff have no qualms about her face-concealing mask, as if the filmmakers think that modern dance clubs are some sort of old-timey aristocratic Grand Ball) and orders "a White Russian, but hold the ice, vodka, and kahlua." So she gets a big glass of cream, geddit? It's like the Bat Credit Card all over again, but on an endless, film-long conga line.

This movie is canon to the Burtonverse, by the way. One of the previous Catwomen shown is Michelle Pfeiffer from Batman Returns. If only Eartha Kitt or Julie Newmar had been in that pile of photographs as well, just to fuck with people's heads.

Other bullet-points, too brief to be worth their own paragraphs:

  • There's a board meeting at the start of the movie that is scripted really awkwardly. As George Hedare is giving a big speech about Beauline, Laurel interrupts to start talking about herself. I know that sounds like it's meant to be awkward, but it doesn't really come across that way.
  • Also, if you can't guess that George is evil the second he opens his mouth, you may not be as good at movies as you think you are.
  • Tom has to save Patience when she starts falling off the building, but because of how the continuity is handled, it looks like he runs all the way up from the ground floor to the inside of her apartment in the span of about two seconds. Maybe his real name is Barry Allen.
  • You know you're a good screenwriter when you end up with moments like, "Thanks for saving me from falling off a building...OH SHIT, I'M LATE TO WORK. I'll talk to you later, byeee!"
  • Don't be alarmed by the awful CGI cats. Be alarmed by the awful CGI seagulls.
  • One of Patience's cat-related freakouts is that she is more confident, or open about her feelings, or...moody, or something. So she ends up calling George an idiot and gets herself fired for no reason. I don't know why everyone else didn't end up getting fired, though, because they laugh and cheer at her standing up to him in a manner which he surely has to notice. I guess it's okay to fire just one person for an outburst when your entire staff openly hates you just as bad as that one person does, just as long as she makes her outburst before everyone else gets their chance.
  • The basketball scene. You've probably seen it or heard of it. Basically two adults get way, way too sexual in front of a bunch of children, in a little game of "one-on-one." This movie's sexuality is really weird.
  • Case in point Patience gets glazed-over fuck-me eyes when she first takes the Catwoman costume out of the box.
  • At one point, Patience protests a party being thrown in the building across from hers, which apparently is a regular occurrence as it bothers her a few times throughout the movie. The best insult the partyers can throw at her turns out to be, "Get a life, loser!" Gotta keep that PG-13!
  • There is a scene in this film where a handwriting analyst determines "from the spaces between the R's" that the writer (Catwoman) is "lonely, insecure...a people-pleaser." What.

I don't want to spoil too much else. Just know that the movie, being written exclusively by men, is pretty sexist. Bechdel failings aside, the movie makes it obvious that this is meant to be a superhero film fer girlz. The central plot is about beauty cream, for God's sake! Relationships, cats, jewelry, gossip, and Sisterhood™--that's what the ladies like, don't they? Isn't this just like Sex and the City, but with fight scenes and awesome whips?

For its unintentional humor, the movie is not unwatchable, as people have labeled it over the years. It's so weird to look at this and think it was supposed to have something to do with Batman. Despite its failings, the cast does give it their all--I always love seeing Halle Berry in things--and if the movie was made by, y'know, women, it might have something interesting to it. Plus the soundtrack is pretty good in its own way. Catwoman is exceedingly problematic, but it is the 21st Century's best answer yet to The Pumaman. It deserves a fairer turn than it's gotten, but not necessarily for good reasons.

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Wednesday, August 16, 2017

Book Club of Desolation #17: Jason X: Death Moon (2005), by Alex S. Johnson



I've been trying to finish this book for over five years. I still didn't finish it in time for this review.

But even though I did not read every single page of it, I think I get the general gist of things in Jason X: Death Moon. I heard of this long, long ago on TV Tropes, which listed it on its So Bad It's Horrible / Literature page. It is almost certainly the worst of the Jason X tie-in novels, which I can't imagine being stellar to begin with. It is also one of the most self-assuredly delirious novels I've read, and for perspective, my current reading is Tristram Shandy. I guess I have my limits--there is such a thing as excessive absurdity. While I can give Jason X: Death Moon points for trying something I've always dreamed of doing, I do have to condemn the book for being an overall waste of time, a Jodorowsky film in prose--an eager start, followed by a thoroughly pretentious and obnoxious string of disappointments.

Let's start with the plot. Jason Voorhees is still a superhuman cyborg in the mid 25th Century, as seen in the "classic" film Jason X. A bunch of scientists who may worship him/be sexually fascinated by him (?) resurrect him and send him to the Moon (?) just in time for a bunch of horny, drug-crazed teenagers to arrive in time for their summer at Moon Camp Americana, whose awful, awful name is written out way too many times. Then, Jason kills a bunch of them, before being defeated (?).

That's it.

I am told by other reviews that the conclusion features Jason being sent back in time to fight his past self, or something similar to that, but having skimmed the last few pages as much as my brain will allow doesn't indicate that, plus, there are other books in this series that are still set in the future. The plot details are unimportant, and the author makes it clear that we don't have to pay attention to them because we meet a new set of characters every few pages. The novel was seemingly written in blocks, usually following one vague "plot" motion before jumping into a chunk of rambling nonsense, then jumping into our next "plot" bit, which has almost nothing to do with what we've already seen. This patches up any sort of leaving-behind I'd surely ordinarily experience as a result of not having seen Jason X. This is a standalone work!

Now, I need to clarify my reference to "rambling nonsense," because that is essentially what this book is all about. I could turn to literally any page in this and pull out a quote which defines the entire thing. Here, I'll demonstrate:

At first he thought it was a routine hard-drive swipe--an archaic, lo-fi term the Tribes still used to refer to cerebellar cleaning. That was when they took your brain, dumped its contents into the core of an artificial person; blew your brains out out in some dark alley. That's what happened sometimes if you lurked on Cityofdiss.com, as JJ was doing. Fucking head cleaners will pay for this, thought JJ, a little edge of anger pushing his usual poise to the edge of chaos. But JJ held it steady. If they wanted a firefight, he would give 'em a firefight. The mother of all flame wars.

Note that almost none of this is explained. The setting of this book is some sort of cyberpunk anarchist dystopia, where Internet technology can not only manipulate reality to some extent, but there are no regulations on the power of such, and everyone lives a sort of pseudo-illegal libertine existence in a desperate desire to end boredom. Like if everyone in Neuromancer was a Tessier-Ashpool and Earth was basically Gallifrey from Doctor Who in terms of technological achievement. I don't really know how much this clinches with the world we see in Jason X, but most of that film is set on a spaceship bound for an Earth colony, so anything's possible.

The point around which I gave up involved a tangent several dozen pages long about, I think, a mad scientist trying to use advanced video manipulation to make Bride of Frankenstein into Elsa Lanchester porn. I considered quoting from this part, too, but it's not worth it.

Much of this book tries very much to cash in on the things that make Cool Hipster Books Cool and Hipstery. To be more specific, it tries to be controversial. Egregious cursing, sex, porn, drugs, gore, and video games are set hand-in-hand with Hemingway and philosophically-reworked Marx Brothers quotes, plus a plethora of flowery adjectives that even the Romantics would have turned from in disgust. It is the last thing you'd expect to see in a book based on a movie where Jason Voorhees kills people on a future spaceship. But for that, I sort of low-key love this book? Sure, it may not function in terms of a conventional novel, but one thing I've always wanted to do is write a tie-in novel that completely fucks with the thing it ties in with. A surreal, postmodern Star Wars novel; a Dune novel that has a secret code in it; a Warcraft novel that's incomprehensible unless you've read the complete works of Jane Austen. I think that writing a bizarro Friday the 13th novel shows I'm not alone in having that impulse. I wonder if Alex Johnson laughed the whole time writing this. If he wasn't laughing I get the impression it was because his mouth was being used for bong hits instead. (I joke. It looks like Mr. Johnson has found a reasonably successful career as a bizarro writer, and I'm actually thinking of grabbing a couple of his other titles, if anything for the sake of the Book Club of Desolation. After all, it would be entirely against my ethics to ignore a book called Doom Hippies.)

While I didn't necessarily enjoy reading Jason X: Death Moon, I'm glad it exists for its status as an artifact. And, before I read it, I could not make this shit up. Now I can, in fact, make this shit up. Reader beware!

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Friday, August 4, 2017

The Bye Bye Man (2017), by Stacy Title



This was a treasure.

Unlike The Book of Henry, I missed this one in theaters, and subsequently caught up to it on a rental. And oh my God, it is really fucking bad. There are several reasons why it is bad and there are several reasons why I chose to review it for the site, which I will greatly enjoy delving into because it means I get to rip this movie a new asshole. I will say initially that I liked this for the same reason why I liked Book of Henry: what the hell are our kids gonna think about us for having taken this crap?

We open in 1969, with a man named Larry running around his neighborhood killing his friends and family, all the while chanting, "Don't think it, don't say it." He wants to know who's told who about "the name," warning that "he's coming." We then cut to a shot a train, and go on to the present day. Three college students, Elliot, Sasha, and John. Elliot and Sasha are dating, but there's an unspoken, Phantom of the Convent-esque attraction between Sasha and John. After getting some strange vibes in the house Elliot finds a drawer left behind by the old owner, which has Larry's motto inscribed on it, accompanied by the words "The Bye Bye Man." Later, Sasha invites over her friend Kim, who is a medium. They hold a seance wherein Elliot reveals he's an Amazing Atheist fanboy, but Kim nonetheless leads the group in a good ol' Hollywood Seance Seizure.

Sasha begins to develop a bad cough, and all three of them begin to hallucinate. These hallucinations all tend to put them in embarrassing or harmful circumstances. They also begin to become aware of the Bye Bye Man, and how he becomes more real to them the more they think about him, and the more scared of him they get. Elliot's research, facilitated by the world's best librarian, brings him to a redacted newspaper article written by Larry, who we learn killed himself with what looks to be the world's tastiest swig of Drain-O after slaughtering the last of the folk contaminated by the Bye Bye Man's influence. He tries to destroy the article, but the Bye Bye Man strikes quickly and makes Kim step out in front of a train; then, he basically makes Elliot seem like a crazy person, leading to him getting arrested. In a hilarious scene, Elliot talks his way out of prison with the most bullshit logic ever, even though his detainer is a hardass high-rank cop played by Carrie-Anne Moss. I cannot describe the conversation they have--it must be seen to be believed. Anyway, in the end, the Bye Bye Man comes for the trio with his N64-graphics CGI dog, and murder and mayhem ensues. Elliot seemingly seals away the evil...or does he?

So this wasn't as bad as the reviews led me to believe. However, it was still an unforgettable experience in vast and dramatic incompetence. I think the best place to start is the first thing I noticed about this film, which is what this film rips off. For instance, I'm pretty sure that the people who made this saw Marble Hornets, the first big Slenderman YouTube show, because the two stories share a lot of commonalities. Both are about young people who come in contact with a curse of sorts wherein an inhuman monstrosity begins terrorizing them after they learn about it and how it gains strength by people learning about and becoming afraid of it. Those who are particularly sensitive to the presence of the entity begin violently coughing, and the entity sends its victims into fugue states where they experience lost time, mood swings, and hallucinations. I do firmly believe that they were trying to cash in on Slenderman here due to the big faceless guy's recent transition to the sellout world of Hot Topic merch, despite the fact that stories of demons conjured up by sheer belief go back for millennia, and they scare the fuck out of me. In case you cannot tell, this movie did not scare me in the least.

This was put out by Universal, by the way. Hey, the Bye Bye Man should be part of the Dark Universe!

Actually, this movie has an uncanny number of production companies. Six or seven by my count. Interesting.

Anyway; this movie also rips off The Babadook, again, by being about a demon which is summoned up by people coming in contact with a record of it. The Bye Bye Man is similarly akin to the Babadook in that he cannot be gotten rid of once he begins haunting people. (For those of you who followed that Gay Babadook meme, I present to you thus the concept of the Bi Bi Man.) His implacability also echoes the entity from It Follows. All of these recent, more successful ideas have been Frankenstein'd together to make something that is nearly hilarious in its plagiarism. You feel the age in the movie, even though it only came out less than a year ago. I know I said that tulpa and other such creatures are among my worst fears, and that's true, but movies like this are helping me break through the fear. I mean, come on. R.L. Stine's The Haunting Hour had an episode on fear-conjured demons that was more involving than this, and that came out nearly seven years before this did.

Now, onto the good stuff. At the start of this film, we have some of the same douchey movie college dudebro stuff that makes me come out of the woodworks for the Ouija Experiment movies. It is very much like a semi-white version of Ax 'Em. There is wallpaper of a fish graphically sucking a man's cock. Then, at the housewarming party for the trio, people play baseball with a Nerf football, like it's the tuxedo football game in The Room, or the "one-on-one" scene in Catwoman. There's also weird symbolism involving trains (?) which involves trains running over the three while they stand on the tracks showing us their nude asses. Okay. I think it's supposed to be that the Bye Bye Man is coming for them like a train about to crush them, but it's still pretty stupid. What's not stupid is how a dog which is part of the wallpaper turns into CGI so it can turn to the audience and snarl. Its head even transforms into a skull. This is meant to foreshadow the Awful CGI Dog, which...oh dear God.

This thing is fucking awful. It looks like something out of Where the Dead Go to Die, and if there is any way that that can be a good thing, I don't mean it as a good thing. It's a glossy, overly-smooth mess straight out of one of the Godzilla PS1 games. What makes it even worse is that it's never explained what it is, why it's working with the Bye Bye Man, or hell, what the Bye Bye Man himself fucking is. I'm sure this, too, is part of the Slenderman plagiarism, and they're trying to be all, "It's unexplained which makes it creepier!" But not in something like this. I laughed every time that dog was onscreen for all the dumb issues it brought to the movie's forefront.

(It has also occurred to me that perhaps the Bye Bye Dog is a ripoff of Smiledog, another demon that haunts those who know about it from Internet meme culture. God, I knew there was a reason I dreaded the day Hollywood started stealing from creepypastas.)

Anyway, I have run out of things to say about The Bye Bye Man, at least until the direct-to-video sequel rears its head. Here's the usual point where I recommend the movie, and sing its praises, but here, I'm going to confess that you have to be a straight-up fucking maniac to squeeze any sort of enjoyment out of this. I loved the hell out of it, but again, only because I love watching utter disasters, and because it was better than I anticipated. See it at your own peril--and I mean that gravely.

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Wednesday, July 26, 2017

Jungle Trap (1990/2016), by James Bryan



Do NOT read this review if you do not want this freshly-released film spoiled. Thou hast been warned!

We've all been waiting a long time for this one. James Bryan's final horror hurrah--finally sewn together from its 26-year-old principle photography by the pioneers at Bleeding Skull Video, this is the culmination of the work Bryan and Renee Harmon collaborated on. While strangely resembling more Harmon's Escape from the Insane Asylum than Bryan's Don't Go in the Woods, Jungle Trap is an astonishing and refreshing glimpse into something that is familiar but new--so distinct from its makers' other pieces, and yet unmistakably created by the loving hands of the very same duo.

Renee Harmon plays Chris Carpenter, a journalist whose career has been scrambled somewhat by her bungling of an expedition into the Amazon territory of the Mali tribe. A girl, Jean, ended up getting killed in an apparent accident. All the same, Chris intends to go back to the Amazon to retrieve the Mali Idol; it's just that this return expedition is being led by Josh, her immoral anthropologist ex-husband. Chris recounts how the Malis were swept off their land by greedy government officials who wanted to steal their land and build a resort on it. The subsequently-built Palace Hotel was abandoned to the jungle shortly after its opening. Trouble strikes the expedition early when their guide is suddenly murdered by a mysterious cultist who seems intent on avenging the Malis. After a ride on the world's most unconvincing train, wherein we learn the Malis had something to do with the sudden closing of the Palace (involving a lot of employee heads being lopped off), the group is prepared to fly into the rainforest interior, courtesy of alcoholic pilot John. And wouldn't you know it, they pick up a new guide, too--friendly Mr. Ortega, who is our cultist friend from earlier. They are able to find the Palace Hotel, and learn that tales of its destruction were greatly exaggerated. One of the girls of the expedition, however, is sure that the supposed staff of the hotel are ghosts. That doesn't bode well, given that the Malis are said to control the spirits of their victims--and given that the Malis will be going on the warpath soon.

It is tough for me to analyze Jungle Trap without first giving full credit to and explanation of its origin. James Bryan nearly completed Jungle Trap in 1990 when the VHS horror market fell out from under him. He and Harmon had found some success by rebranding a new version of Lady Street Fighter as Run Coyote Run in 1987, but there were suddenly no distributors available for Jungle Trap; the tapes sat unused for years. But with the help of Bleeding Skull, a new soundtrack was recorded, and the footage was cut into what is a ultimately a very smooth and professional-looking movie. There's some jaggedness here and there--contrast between film footage, video footage, and what may be new footage edited to resemble video (?)--but overall it looks amazing. And it sounds amazing, too. The fresh synth soundtrack is made to deliberately resemble the sort of music you'd hear on SOV movies at the time, and it is exactly on point. H. Kingsley Thurber would be proud.

With that out of the way, let me just say: I will always trust a movie that brings me evil cackling cultists and quick-zooms of shrunken heads. I will also always trust a movie which brings me that really shabby-looking train like the one I mentioned above. It helps that aboard said train are some hippies which basically Crazy Ralph the expedition about the horrors of the Palace Hotel, and their delivery is great. The "foreshadowing" in this movie is clumsy as hell--you can guess what's going to happen at the Hotel, especially if you've seen Bloody Wednesday--but still the movie pulls off occasional chills. The soundtrack, as I can praise it enough, really helps in that regard. There's still a shadow of the creepiness from Don't Go in the Woods. There are many moods within it, and that keeps it all fun and engaging.

It's so fun to see Renee Harmon and the others give one last go at it, like the future was never coming. Frank Neuhaus, from Hell Riders, Run Coyote Run, and Escape from the Insane Asylum is here. Rhonda Collier, who plays one of the expedition members, was in Escape from the Insane Asylum too (I think most of everyone here was in that one). It's too bad that Dick and Cherry and Dale couldn't come back to say goodbye. But this feels conclusive--I feel like that pack of movies I started watching when I was a kid have their ending now. The missing piece has been put in place. I wish there was more, but this is still quite satisfactory. The last shot of the film shows Renee and John the drunk pilot laughing with each other, arms around one another, happy to be alive. James Bryan doesn't play John but they're both white-bearded old men, and it's easy to see him as a stand-in for Harmon's old friend. It's one last laugh together, as a team. And then the book closes.

This was worth the wait. This is Bryan and Harmon's Phantom of the Convent. Their The Shining. Their Cabin in the Woods. Their Cannibal Ferox. I will spoil no more about it, and instead leave you to pick it up yourself. Now, we've spoken of endings, but I'm not sure if I've properly gotten to the beginning yet. Escape to Passion, I'll speak of you before the year is out. That's a promise!

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Friday, July 7, 2017

The Book of Henry (2017), by Colin Trevorrow



Huh. That's weird. I'm being topical.

Yep, The Book of Henry is still in theaters as of this writing...though I'm sure it will be gone by the time this is finally posted. I don't go out to movie theaters very often Because Anxiety, but I've been trying to do so more often as I've gotten older and better paid. And I try to make it a mix: I'll go see Guardians of the Galaxy Volume 2 one week, and God's Not Dead 2 the next. I keep my ears open for particularly strange movies when I'm feeling in the "bad movie" mode, because as I've said before, if I had a chance to see Voodoo Man or The Face of Marble in theaters back in the day I'd jump at the chance. And there have been some weird movies to arise in the theaters in the last few years. Noah, Winter's Tale, and the complete filmography of Tyler Perry are all things which seem like they would have been theatrical impossibilities in my childhood, serving as inmates of Straight-to-Video Hell. But in time of strife, art becomes weird, and exploitation movies and other shit rises up to the surface. If there is a collective consciousness, it, too, gets the stress pukes, and unlike most vomit the colors we see in this strange distillation of the national soul are beautiful to behold. So let's take a look at Book of Henry's puke, and...well, I think perhaps I've already said too much. Focus on the beauty part of that metaphor, for this movie is something special, which I think will grow in power as history marches on.

We are told the tale of Henry Carpenter, who is a boy genius of boy geniuses. There seems to be no field beyond his grasp and by the age of eleven he has mastered most forms of science. He lives with his mother Susan (Naomi Watts) and brother Peter, and they neighbor the house where Henry's friend (crush?) Christina Sickleman and her stepfather, the local police commissioner, live. Henry eventually determines that Mr. Sickleman abuses Christina, probably sexually--at least physically enough as to cause characters to allude to (offscreen) ER visits. Henry uses all of the tools at his disposal to report the case, but due to both his age and adult apathy no one believes him. Then, he chances upon the decision to kill Mr. Sickleman. And using vast financial resources accumulated from years of brilliant stock market manipulation, he begins to put a plan into action to make the assassination happen--until it turns out he has brain cancer, which he learns from Dr. Lee Pace. (Dr. Bearded!Lee Pace at that, so there's a little somethin' fer the ladies.) Thus, he creates the Book of Henry: a notebook, accompanied by audio journals, which give detailed and explicit instructions to let Susan do the deed herself. Peter gives this to Susan after Henry inevitably does pass away. Susan has so much faith in her son that she believes his evidence, and begins to follow the journals to bring about the end of Mr. Sickleman. And this is when the movie becomes a thriller.

A year ago I worked as a bookseller at the local Barnes & Noble, which was a grueling torture fun exercise in the art of selling memberships and credit cards books. And during that time I became acquainted with what people really read. Contrary to what my professors told me, the vast majority of people don't really have a tendency to read good books, whether that's the "classics" or actual good books. There were a dozen names I would get time and time again which blur together in my mind, authors omnipresent but forgettable. John Sanford? James Patterson? Airport Lit Fic Deep Core-type stuff. Among these are the books marketed seemingly exclusively at White Women, with the caps meaning to make a distinction from white women in general; you probably know what I mean. These books were romance novels, some of them, but also their "more literary" lit fic cousins, which oftentimes are written by white men under pen names. This movie is a White Woman movie, I feel, or it began life as one. Everyone talks in sassy one-liners, even when it makes them seem like aliens. A child dies of cancer, in his mother's arms, no less. The main plot is about child abuse at the hands of a man who is every Movie Abusive Stepdad ever, and obviously comes across as such at first glance. These are things I view as flaws--lazy writing combined with the writing that everyone produces in the early days when they want us to know their characters are COOL. No real cool person talks this quirky, because real cool people are never happy, and quirky people never sound this confident in their aphorisms even if they actually spout them out loud. But I can forgive unrealistic writing, because everything else about the movie is marvelously unrealistic.

Consider that synopsis above. This starts out a movie about a Hollywood Quirky family centered around a boy genius. It then transforms into a rape-revenge-by-proxy movie, and then a four-tissue child-cancer weeper, before shifting back into rape-revenge, this time by double proxy! But the scripting stays consistent, so it never really stops being a quirky/weepy family movie either! Susan and Henry still banter at each even after the latter is reduced to handwriting and tape recordings. He's apparently so good at psychology that he predicted every single thing she would say and do in regards to his orders...include turning the wrong direction walking down the street. This is supposed to be cute, a reflection of how close mother and son were. But there is not a hair of an attempt to suspend disbelief--the movie started with disbelief smashed at the ground floor like a grand piano. That's why I cited Face of Marble up above. This suddenly seems to me like our era's equivalent of a Frankenstein/voodoo/vampire ghost dog mash-up.

For a movie that feels like every minute of its nearly two-hours (for better or worse), Book of Henry feels like it should be a lot longer. There are some curious loose ends left loose that shouldn't be. Namely, it's really only alluded to what Christina's abuse is. There are some hints here and there--Peter mentions that Henry's description of the abuse doesn't entirely make sense to him, suggesting that there are sexual components to it that his child mind doesn't understand (while also implying that Henry's knowledge includes sex ed...because of course it does). We never physically see the abuse, nor any marks from it, just Christina's depression, which could theoretically arise from other factors. It's odd to me that a movie that drops the f-bomb about three or four times, and features a character who is apparently an alcoholic, but they can't mention sexual abuse. The movie is already a bit beyond a PG-13 anyway, and I think they could have pushed it to an R without making it too overtly graphic. The youngest person I saw at my showing looked to be about my age, which is to say early twenties.

Like I said above, this movie is based on the tropes of Books for Middle-Class White People in many ways, and unfortunately that includes sexism. Let's just start by saying that Book of Henry features three female characters of note, and they are Susan, Christina, and Susan's friend Sheila. I will start with Sheila, as she has much less screentime and plot significance. Sheila is Susan's work buddy at the diner she hosts at, as well as her drinking buddy and, based on how the script carries things, maybe her fuck buddy? Sheila spends much of her screentime drunk and/or hungover, and Henry condemns her as an alcoholic, because he's Hollywood Child Precocious and that means he's kind of a heartless little shit--rather what I'd imagine Jude from Alien Lover was like at eleven. He also basically calls her ugly. They make up in the end, but it seems a little tacked on and honestly you just feel a little bad for her.

Significantly more problematic is the character of Susan, who displays an uncomfortable amount of dependence on her son. He does her taxes, secures the family nest egg, and honestly makes most of her decisions. It's so bad she even refuses to sign his consent forms when he's hospitalized for a seizure without consulting him first. She is effectively the child and he is effectively the parent, and they have an explicit conversation in his last days about how she doesn't even know how to be a mother to Peter without Henry's guidance. I can understand letting one be consumed with love for one's son and being proud of their considerable intelligence, especially when it makes one's life much easier, but this is unnatural, which is not a word I use very often. There's a different type of movie waiting in the wings with this sort of dynamic, with a much more sinister and manipulative Henry, perhaps one who caused his mother's dependence on him...but I kid. It just seems weird that a grown woman is viewed in the movie's eyes as being inferior to an eleven-year-old boy.

And then there is Christina. I'd consider her one of the pivotal characters, considering, y'know, she's at the heart of the film's conflict. And also she's an abuse victim. But she gets nothing in this movie. She gets a few murmurs, and one significant conversation, but aside from that we know she is...nice? Henry thought so, at any rate. Oh, she's also a ballerina, and she tips off the school principal that she's being abused because she looks sad while dancing. Christina is never anything more than a plot prop, a living Macguffin, a damsel in distress for whom we are supposed to feel glurgy sadness. Combine this with the vagueness of the abuse, and there's little reason for us to be invested. To give a female character a submissive and weak personality like Susan is one thing--it's another entirely for one of the female leads to have no personality whatsoever. That's what I've seen crop up in those White Woman books which this movie feels so akin to; casual, dismissive, unaware, and glamorized sexism. Fuck you, 21st Century literary fiction. You're usually neither progressive nor authentic.

Now that's a lot of flaws, and I was pretty harsh in presenting them. I don't hate this movie, though--I enjoyed it a ton. The person I saw this with said immediately that the individual scenes all usually work, clunky dialogue and all, even if they add up to something very bizarre holistically. I think that fact is actually what makes the movie. It's like a string of mini-movies that lead towards one big movie that makes relatively little sense. It's not like something like, say, Time of the Apes, which wears its status as a hyper-compressed TV series on its sleeve. And it's not like Bloody Wednesday, where it's a bunch of increasingly nonsensical additions that add up to something that feels like a dream. This movie feels like it couldn't possibly have enough material for several TV episodes and it's generally grounded in reality. Until you think about it.

All I know is that I'm happy I got to see this in theaters. For all the crap I gave the dialogue, there are some pretty clever lines in here, if not some genius ones; and I was fond of the tiny Naomi Watts/Lee Pace romance that cropped up here and there, plus the sexual tension between Susan and Sheila. And the acting is awesome all throughout, even from and even especially from the kids. You'll laugh at this movie like you do with "bad" movies, but it won't be quite the same. I wish I knew what the precise feeling was, but I'll fun finding out when it hits home video. Join me, won't you?

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Image Source: IMP Awards

Friday, May 5, 2017

I Am Here...Now (2009), by Neil Breen



I do appreciate, on some level, the modern culture of bad movies. It has its faults, and I'm sure I've ranted about them now and again--I don't like horror comedies that are "so-bad-it's-good" on purpose, and there are way too many of those being made these days. But I'm an optimist, and I think that some of these movies are genuinely worth it. I found Ghost Shark to actually be pretty tolerable, and The Room really is as fun as everyone says it is. But for some reason, the one everyone goes back to is Birdemic. I despise Birdemic, and I despise its director, James Nguyen. He is an egotistical, talentless, vapid excuse for a filmmaker and the laziness present in Birdemic and its sequel, to me, is as atrocious as After Last Season, which is a movie where people walk around in front of CGI shapes. So whenever news breaks of "the new Birdemic," I have the same feelings I'd have if Dr. Lecter told me what my mutton chop was. Neil Breen is said to be sort of like the new Tommy Wiseau, or the new James Nguyen, as demonstrated to the Internet by his film Double Down. After hearing about Double Down and its 2013 sibling Fateful Findings, I decided to start my look at him with one which I could go into blind. Reading the premise of I Am Here...Now was enough to convince me that I would have a winner.

I had no fucking idea.

Let me try this. And it must be a try: for Yoda's Maxim does not apply here. There is no "doing" in adequately describing I Am Here...Now, there is only trying. We open with a shot of twin moons in the sky. They explode, bringing us that excellent Times New Roman title card seen above. After this, we see a man known as The Being (Neil Breen), descend off the Cross. The Being is like Jesus, except his body is sometimes covered in circuit boards, and he sometimes changes into a gray-skinned ghoul-man while horror music plays. He is our hero, for he is the creature that created mankind. He is disappointed that his creation has fallen to a variety of sins, including allowing corruption in government and big business, and not embracing solar and wind power. "I am disappointed in your species--the human species!" he muses to a tarantula crawling next to a rose and a skull. The Being comes across a hillbilly couple in the desert who are drinking, smoking pot, and injecting heroin, all at the same time. The guy of this unfortunate pairing injects so hard that blood starts squirting out of his arm! The Being Schwarzaneggers the dude's clothes, and paralyzes the couple and turn them invisible: "Don't worry, it's only temporary!" he assures them. We then follow our second protagonist, who loses her job at an unspecified corporation doing unspecified environmental/alt-energy work due to unspecified "corruption." She considers becoming a stripper to support her baby, but her sister, who wears a torn-up shirt with no bra for no reason besides Neil Breen being creepy, encourages her to join a gang instead. That gang works as the enforcement for the very same pack of corrupt scumbags who are destroying the environment with their corruption! I could go on, but none of this real comes together. I believe it is what the French call a tranche de vie, or in some dialects, a tranche de merde.

This movie is more fascinating than good. As I get older, I begin to recognize that that which is fascinating is not necessarily good. The story of how the Opium Wars of the 19th Century somehow led to Christopher Lee acting in yellowface for Jess Franco over a hundred years later is fascinating, because it is not good. The story of how a self-professed ultra-fan of Alfred Hitchcock could release a Birds rip-off that was nothing but a colossal insult to Hitchcock is fascinating, but it is not good. There is too strong of a current of discomfort to I Am Here...Now for me to enjoy it unashamedly. Is it the wardrobe decisions Breen makes for his actresses, on top of the fact that he has a sex scene with them, which feature him wearing the ghoul mask? Is it the fact that all the direct points are vague to the point of meaninglessness, making every conversation stiff and uncanny? Is it the oddity of the film's writer and director playing the role of the creator of all humanity? Is it that Neil Breen's lanky physique is constantly draped in a torn brown t-shirt which is too small for him? I don't know, but all throughout this, there is just something fundamentally wrong.

I think it's gotta be that there truly is no meaning here. Breen desperately wants to be relevant to the issues of today, and I understand that they are hard to grapple with presentably and comprehensibly. But merely bringing them up and not making them tied thematically to the story is not going to look good. There is no stake for The Being's interest in humanity obtaining alternative energy, for example, aside from the fact that he is God and he believes alternative energy to be right. Most of us know the benefits solar and wind have over fossil fuels, so you could buy the intent that this as a mission of salvation, but it's where Breen tries to tackle "corruption" that he fails the hardest. This was a problem in Fateful Findings as well, and to be honest I wouldn't be surprised if he tries to explore "corruption" in Double Down too. Obviously businesses and government figures are corrupt. That, in 2017, should be readily apparent. But Breen doesn't name his targets, just vaguely evil populist fears. He expresses the anxieties of the times, but he does as someone who isn't affected by them. To be frank, he seems like sort of a dull person, but to see such a bland take on some of the most prevalent fears of the 21st Century is still of a little interest. Even if it makes the whole thing seem pointless.

Fortunately, I at least can take pointless now and again. This movie is fucking hilarious. I've named a lot of the best moments in the synopsis, but I haven't mentioned how often they reuse footage and, bizarrely, audio clips throughout this film. Whenever someone screams in pain, it is the same canned sound over and over again. We will also hear our third main character, an old man in a wheelchair, tell us "I only have...a month to live" at least three or four times, even when his mouth isn't moving. And yes, before you ask, one of the scenes that is looped more times than is necessary is a shot of someone vomiting. I don't have too many moments these days where I have laughed for longer than three minutes, but there were at least two scenes in this movie where I had to pause the movie and lie down, in case I passed out. One of these moments made me laugh for seven minutes. Chrysippus of Soli died of laughter after getting his pet donkey drunk and watching it try to eat figs. Also, the Funniest Joke in the World sketch on Monty Python actually did kill a guy. What I'm saying is, this movie almost killed me.

...sometimes, maybe that's what we need. I Am Here...Now has cleared the pipes. I am generally unrepentant in my appreciation of this movie, despite its many flaws. It will turn your afternoon into a week, I warn you. But if you can stand the pain, there's a lot here that's worth it.

Monday, April 3, 2017

Ax 'Em (1992), by Michael Mfume



Y'know, it's been awhile since I've reviewed a movie which has...floored me. Sure, there was Glen or Glenda, but that was a long while ago. I need some flesh back on my bones! Some blood back in my veins! I need something overwhelming, something which leaves me struggling for comprehension and comprehensibility. Oh, yes, I know what I want. I know what I need. Yes, it's time...time for AX 'EM!!

Ax 'Em is generally regarded as one of the worst movies ever released on home video, and it is admittedly tough to contend with as far as sheer production values. I have seen few movies, in all those which I've seen, with poorer visuals, cinematography, and sound mixing. And it is tough to watch a singular movie which features extensive scenes of people telling jokes, bickering, and urinating, especially if it also contains those aforementioned technical failings. But there is something charming about Ax 'Em--there has to be, as I returned (eagerly) after an abortive and hate-filled first viewing. Ax 'Em is, as they say, like a fine pair of shoes. It will be angular and cramped at first, but you eventually find that it will carry you well over the marshy terrain of the Scottish highlands, should you ever be presented with a situation wherein that would be a good thing. That is to say it's pretty awesome.

The movie's sole authentic DVD release (which only happened nine years after the movie was made), drops us immediately, sans menu, into the movie's opening title cards, which explain that years ago a man went berserk and killed his family and himself. We will see this incident much, much later in the film in a pretty hilarious dramatization. Anyway, one of the kids, Harry, was "not ever found," and we meet someone whom we can presume to be Harry as an adult. The kid has made some of himself, namely by becoming a booger-faced machete-wielding zombie. (He's never explicitly referred to as a zombie, but most reviews I've seen seem to think he's one, to explain not only the booger-face but his immortality. C'mon, he could just be a leper afflicted with the Curse of Thorn!) Harry kills an old man, and we swiftly learn that said old man's grandson and his college friends plan on going down to visit the old man and spend some time at his house to relax in the woods. Another flashback tells us that some of these kids were childhood friends of Harry's, and that he, being "mentally Ill" blamed them for the murders. Why he didn't kill them then and there when confronting them about it, and why they apparently never passed this incident on to the authorities, must remain a mystery.

Anyway, shortly after arriving, the kids hardly notice the old man's conspicuous absence as they drink beer, play Game Boy, and cheat on their partners with each other. Much of this is filler and, aside from some non-linear flashbacks edited in to tell us the backstory in a surprisingly patient way, we don't really get to the horror aspects of the film until about 40 minutes in (of 70). From there it's just a matter of Harry hunting down the impressively large cast and killing all but three or four them. That's it! Director Mfume--known to his friends as "Mfumay" by the way--thanks his grandma, and the credits roll.

Most of what makes Ax 'Em memorable is the now-oft-aforementioned fact that it looks and sounds like shit. The acting is solid--I can tell that at least a few of the cast have gotten some kind of acting training, and everyone has enough energy that even those without talent still have something to bring to the table. The music, while usually ripped from public domain sources, is bearable, albeit weirdly placed. Ax 'Em is genuinely a shoddily put-together film: most of the dialogue can only be picked out with repeat viewings, which will make the plot borderline incomprehensible. Not only that, but it is pretty hard to see what's going on. But unlike a lot of films with these problems, Ax 'Em gains strength from them, becoming something of an experience in visual poetry, with some lines or images snapping out suddenly from a void of random nonsense. Lines like "You better lay off my beer, you big six-foot-nine motherfucker!" Images like one of the characters bobbing his glasses up and down.

Okay, I have to open that last one up. This scene has haunted me since I first saw this film, nearly ten years ago. There's a scene where three of the characters are bickering and two of them break off to leave the third, a dude with glasses, behind. At this point the killer catches up with him, and music starts playing that sounds like it belongs at a funeral. The bespectacled guy screams and we get a close-up shot of him wiggling his glasses up and down, before jumping to a shot of his dead body. I have never been able to determine why they decided to have this guy bob his glasses up and down. I assume it's supposed to be like Laurel and Hardy's hats jumping off their heads, or someone's monocle popping out--a slapsticky representation of the surprise of confronting something scary. Then why the fuck are they playing funeral music? These murders can't be simultaneous whacky and tragic!

Unless you want to get a dark humor effect, which is what they totally ended up with. This scene is hilarious: not merely because of the contrasting tone, but because I'm still not entirely sure that they were going for slapstick. Maybe the actor just felt like hyperactively adjusting his glasses, which I'm told is common behavior in those about to be killed by zombies.

I hope you can tell I'm in a good mood. This movie has brought me to it. Everything is wrong. Everything is awful. The title is awful. Only one person is killed with an ax; everyone else dies by machete, gunfire, or rotary telephone. Also, the film was originally called The Weekend It Lives, which adds to the notion that Harry is a zombie (hence "It") while also being more grammatically and contextually confusing. I cannot, for the life of me, determine why this was released, much less made, but I want more of it and any film distributor who wouldn't release this film is naught but a craven coward. I've praised the decision to make and release these films in the past, but for someone outside of the director's friend group to release this shows not only insanity but courage. It was a risk to try to find an audience for this film, but a risk well-played, because they found me. Except York Entertainment, which is responsible for the Ax 'Em DVD, no longer exists. Sorry, York--I should've gotten into the game before it was too late. Now the world will never again enjoy your releases of such films as An American Vampire Story or Laserhawk.




To wrap things up, then: sometimes I can't help but wonder if we trash-lovers are really just creeps who like watching people's home videos. Hell, I've bought tapes that really have been just people's home movies before, from the antique shops and garage sales who choose to sell such things, but I do so for a very specific: I watch these movies with the hope that they will turn out to be horror films. (And hey, if I find a snuff film or two in the mix, I get to be part of Internet history! Because that's what one should value in such a case.) This is simply because I'm sure movies like Ax 'Em, Psyched by the 4D Witch, and The Tony Blair Witch Project began their lives as home movies before plot suddenly intervened. A shitty excuse for a plot usually, but something in there that separates it from what would otherwise merely be clips of families seeing what the new camera can do. These films are separate from movies like Bad Magic or Weasels Rip My Flesh, which are made with the quality of home videos, but clearly had scripts of some kind. This is a weird sort of candidness crossed with the provision of genre tropes in a way that's uniquely magical; movie, but not movie. Home video, but not home video. These movies are trapped in a bizarre sort of quantum lock that returns to the old trash adage, that movies which reveal the hearts of their creator at their embarrassing worst are worth treasuring. To be honest, I don't know if Ax 'Em really says anything about Michael Mfume, but it said something for him. There was a reason why this movie was made--it surely couldn't have been for money. I guess I don't really care about that purpose. Everyone who made it looks like they had a great time, and I'm grateful they decided to let us in on that.

Tuesday, December 27, 2016

Blood Feast 2: All U Can Eat (2002), by H.G. Lewis


While Blood Feast 2: All U Can Eat was Herschell Gordon Lewis' third-to-last film, it is nonetheless a fitting finale to his career. I wish I had been the age I am now in 2002 so I could properly bask in the hype that surely arose when a sequel to Blood Feast was announced, and yet I think it's just as fun to look at this movie fourteen years later. How long-ago and embarrassing the early 2000s seem. Yes, they're largely embarrassing because that was when I was a kid, but a lot of people say that the 20th Century had a particular hold on trash that our present time has yet to duplicate. If you cruise the "21st Century" tag here on the A-List, you'll find movies that range from Noah to Five Across the Eyes. We've managed to do strange just fine--just not nearly as frequently, it seems.

But what about the mega-terror of the embarrassment that is the self-aware super-late sequel? There's nothing but cringing in movies like Hobgoblins 2--if the first movie was bad, in ways that both killed it (as in Hobgoblins) or let it thrive (such as Blood Feast), self-awareness is never, ever, ever, ever the answer. Shitty self-awareness is why people hate postmodernism. And yet, it's an inevitable product of postmodernism itself--we really are moving into so-called "transmodernism" as postmodernism itself becomes a joke. We are reacting to and building upon an art movement that has become popular. As you might expect by the fact that I'm even talking about postmodernism or transmodernism in the first place, I enjoy good postmodern works. And going into this movie, I tried to put faith in Lewis as an intelligent and ambitious but occasionally clumsy and wrong-headed director--someone who would make good use of the lateness of his sequel. I like to think that my faith was well-placed.

After an extremely bizarre Beast of Yucca Flats-style opening, involving two roadkill-eating hillbillies murdering each other for no discernible reason, we cut to a young man moving into his new catering shop. He is Fuad Ramses III, grandson of the killer from the first Blood Feast. He seems to be an ordinary fellow at first, even if he's warned by the local police detective that the locals probably won't trust him for what his grandfather did--inside the very halls of Fuad's new digs, even! However, Fuad III discovers his predecessor's old statue to Ishtar, though it clearly isn't the same spraypainted mall mannequin from the first movie. The statue seems to possess him, and he begins to transform into a copy of his grandfather, adopting his speech patterns and tendency to arrange "Egyptian feasts." This seems to be an act of fate, as an injury incurred by one of his victims gives him Fuad I's Torgo-esque limp! From there history repeats itself, as Fuad tracks down the guests of the wedding party he is to cater to, removing their body parts and turning them into food as a sacrifice to his goddess. That's it, really, until it reaches a relatively straightforward--albeit pretty hilarious--climax.

Blood Feast 2 has the primary fault of being overly repetitive. Like A Taste of Blood, BF2AUCE is a long film and not merely by H.G.'s standards. Most of this time is spent with builds up to and executions of either gory murder sequences (often featuring by-now familiar Goofy H.G. Lewis Songs) or scenes of women acting dumb and taking their clothes off. Fine. Blood Feast had that too, albeit to a more minimized extent--Blood Feast 2 has more nudity and is generally gorier. And certainly anyone who is a diehard Blood Feast fan is going to want to see more of the same. It's played with creatively at points. Lewis lampshades his own hammy dialogue, and has managed to get enough of the main cast to replicate the strange combination of wooden clunkiness and community-theatre scenery-chewing that his original cast insisted on, in a way that is clearly tongue-in-cheek. (It was probably tongue-in-cheek back then, too.) And yet self-awareness is not always salvation. Blood Feast was barely over an hour. To essentially do what that first film did for an extra hundred minutes stretches my ability to use pastiche as a defense...which I should say is saying something. Yet, it is good to see the master behind the wheel here--for indeed, there were Blood Feast knockoffs here and there, which generally lacked Lewis' panache (Bloodsucking Pharaohs from Pittsburgh, anybody?). Lewis does a good job of preserving the spirit he had in '63, though he does so perhaps a bit too strictly. (Weirdly, the best metaphor I came up with while watching it was that it was like a porn. Everything was meant to set up the actors to Go At It, whether that was stripping or killing, in the place of fucking. I've heard of that sort of accusation being leveled at gore films before, that they structurally resemble sexual material and that that adds to their supposed depravity. I don't really think I'm in a position to judge one way or the other, but after seeing many gore films in my life, including a depressing number of [bad] torture porn films, none struck me so much as being like porn than Blood Feast 2.)

All U Can Eat is much more directly a comedy than Blood Feast, which made me dread watching it a little bit. As a rule, I hate, hate, hate horror comedies, and I was worried that Lewis was going to go all Poultrygeist on me. I like to think that the good stuff in this movie makes up for the bad. This movie is pretty sexist--I expected it. "Women are dumb and bitchy but they look good nekkid and scream well" is the general maxim here, and it is usually played for laughs or general sleaze-rooted humor. Plus, it gets old fast when we keep seeing that Detectives Myers and Loomis (HAW HAW HAW GEDIT) are, respectively, prone to vomiting around corpses and being obsessed with food. Because Loomis is FAT, and fat people are simply OBSESSED with food. As the Traflamadorians say, so it goes. I enjoy these movies, love them even, and will return to them repeatedly, and yet I hate the idea that I'm supposed to turn off my brain while watching them when it comes to sexism and stupid jokes. There is no happy medium for me, and this is why nobody watches horror comedies with me. That having been said, I will still laugh at offensive jokes. John Waters has a cameo in this movie, and it's great. Maybe it's just that I love seeing John Waters in things, especially when his character is just Waters-as-himself in costume. I also laughed when Fuad started arguing about Detective Myers' use of the phrase "turn up missing"--after all, someone can't "turn up" if they're missing, right? It is, as one should expect from a 21st Century horror comedy, far from perfect. And there's that paradox again. You really can't expect something even close to perfect, can you...?

So it goes, so it goes. I really, really liked this movie, even if I won't judge anyone who cuts out twenty minutes or so from their personal viewing. I'm glad I'm not disappointed. 2016 wasn't a great year, let's just say. I don't know what comes up after here. I'm glad, however, that H.G. Lewis was a man who existed. He and others like him deserve to be remembered, because even if their movies were trash, they're another way out of the horrors of our horrible world. And they remind us it's not horrible at all. We have...entertainment. We have people striving to make people laugh or scream or just be happy, and we have the times when those people marvelously succeed. I hope I've joined Mr. Lewis and others in helping to keep your spirits up a little. Because in all likelihood, you deserve it.

We'll see you in 2017! Thank you so much, all of you, for stopping by. None of this would be possible without you. You are the true A-Listers. Or just generally awesome. Have a happy New Year. OR ELSE.