Monday, July 31, 2017

The Love Captive (1969), by Larry Crane



I meant to do this back before I did All Women Are Bad. After all, this was my first Larry Crane movie, and All Women, my second. I mean, All Women Were Bad caught me so off-guard that I couldn't resist. And after that, I always found myself thinking that I had already done this one, just because it's so essential to me that certainly I wouldn't go on without it. But then I smartened up a bit and reminded myself that I have this thing called a search bar and I can, as it were, see what reviews I've already done. And sure enough, I haven't done The Love Captive yet. Let's just get started...we've waited long enough.

Always trust a movie that features "Night on Bald Mountain." Always double-trust a movie that opens with "Night on Bald Mountain." So does The Love Captive commence, before referring itself to our protagonist, a nameless woman who wanders around Greenwich Village. The narrator talks over her wanderings, giving us information on the weird and wild world of Greenwich entertainment, both high- and lowbrow. This narrator condemns movies like Andy Warhol's Flesh and nervously suggests the lady may be a hooker. But that doesn't stop him from creeping on her as she undresses in a hotel room. Eventually our protagonist finds herself in Manzini's Museum of the Macabre, and then the movie really gets going. A fast-paced exploration into Inquisition torture devices, Houdini memorabilia, and vampire coffins ensues, and we jump from brief glimpses of lunatic-painted portraits to extensive fire-eating shows. It's all very overwhelming and wonderful, and if you have a trace of carnival spirit in you, the ridiculous showmanship and spectacle of the whole affair will give you warm fuzzies. Then, our lead is locked inside the Museum after dark, with the intent of making off with a Houdini straitjacket, but she has a surprise in store for her. At night the Museum's werewolves come out! After experiencing a night of terror, she comes back up to her hotel room and has sex with a dude. Then, lesbianism happens. And then, another lady seduces the Museum owner to take it over from him. A dude's junk flaps around in front of the camera, and we conclude.

The Love Captive functions better less as a "movie" and more like a box full of film clips of varying degrees of watchability. Like a lot of B&W sexploitation, you'll want to mosey around the general unappealing softcore fucking, skipping instead to the bizarre travelogue-style footage, and the riveting sideshow touring. The movie is less a "slice-of-life" film and more like a scrapbook laced in with odd tangential Tall Tales. Things that didn't really happen on the vacation, but would have improved it. It may actually also be a slice-of-life film, but for Greenwich Village circa 1969. Y'know, the place and time white hipsters love fetishizing? Well, I guess I can kind of get it. It's hard to resist attractions like Manzini's Museum, or a gift shop that sells a shirt that reads "GODDAMN YOU, CHARLIE BROWN."

Everything about this is so sloppy and weird that it probably is a vacation home-video edited into a sexploitation feature. The hucksters and fucksters of the '60s were desperate enough to do that--it would make them money, after all. Everything is rushed and clipped together. Plotlines vanish and are replaced with alternative circumstances. Various people all dub each other with bad impressions of each others' voices. The music is the same '60s sexploitation library cues every Something Weird fan has heard before and again. It's a marvelous headtrip that I do think only the '60s could produce. Nothing makes sense, and yet everything comes together. I watched Zardoz for the first time recently and this movie is still weirder than fucking Zardoz.

The movie shares this mutant home-video commonality not with A Clockwork Blue...more like the coy, quasi-dignified chuckles of The Hand of Pleasure. The narrator is hilarious. I love voiceovers from movies from this time. They were usually put in to help cut costs, and they really show how slack and alien the scripts for these movies were. This is the history of economics in slow motion--porn grunge seen first hand. This movie, both for its content and its context, is an anthropological dream.

Now I'm starting to get too far up my own ass--I do that when I'm happy. This movie has relieved of me, once again, the weary tensions of our plane. It is my Land of Cockaigne, my Arcadia, my Blue-Rock Candy Mountains. In more serious terms, however, it's yet another record of a crazed brain. It is another gate into the sort of madness that is sometimes necessary to crack open the ice that sheathes creativity. It is another marker by which we understand that the world we take for granted is not always what it seems, and how that's a marvelous and lovely thing. Too often are we Captives of our Hate. We should be Captives of Love instead.

And this movie is so captivating. In good ways and bad. So check it out when you can.

If you want to see more reviews like this and unlock some bonus goodies, consider becoming my Patron on Patreon! Plus, become a fan of the A-List on Facebook to get site updates!

Friday, July 28, 2017

Satan's Black Wedding (1975), by Nick Millard



Nick Millard returns again! This is probably his best film. It feels the most like an actual movie, even moreso than the already-impressive Criminally Insane. From here, Millard's cinematic output becomes no less amazing, but decidedly cheaper--and while Satan's Black Wedding does run into cheap territory at times, it is a wonderfully atmospheric vampire film that rivets you down for a vastly entertaining 60 minutes.

Hollywood actor Mark Gray has been called back to his hometown of Monterey after the untimely death of his sister Nina. The circumstances of her death are rather mysterious--she apparently committed suicide, but all the blood was removed from her body post-mortem, and her finger was cut off. Interrogating his sick aunt, Mark learns that Nina started going back to the abandoned church that they both feared as children, to ostensibly research a book she was writing on "High Satanic Rites." Similarly, the local police detective says that her death was one of many such brutal fatalities afflicting the town--one of these victims had swatches of 200-year-old cloth gripped between their fingers, their face frozen in horror. We the audience already know by now that the local priest, Father Dakin, is a vampire...and so is Nina. Mark will have to fight hard to escape the bloody grip of Satan.

There's a lot that I can praise about Satan's Black Wedding. I haven't watched it as much as Criminally Insane, but I have probably seen it about two dozen times, so it's still up there in turns of ranked rewatches. First of all, let's talk about how it works as a horror film. There's plenty of creepy stuff here. The opening scenes set in the tomb definitely stand out, with Father Dakin whispering "Sanctus diabolis" from the darkness as Nina mutilates herself with a razor. The entire movie is wracked with an audio hiss that highlights "s"-sounds, which actually heightens the spookiness of these Latin whispers; cheapness comes to the rescue. This follows our opening credits, which feature not only a freaky painting but some nicely atmospheric freaky music as well. Most of the movie's first twenty minutes, which set up the various facts of the world these vampires live in, are effectively mysterious, leaving us wanting to know more even though it's not really a mystery what's going on. And the scene where vampire!Nina slowly creeps into her aunt's bedroom is notable to me as well.

The acting, also, is generally pretty good. Nick Millard got someone to competently and convincingly cry on camera! That makes him better than a whole fucking lot of big-name Hollywood directors. I can't think of anyone who does a shit job per se, aside from maybe Mark's aunt's housekeeper, who has to give an extremely phony/racist Latina accent. It may not be great, but there is one performer in particular who I have to give a shout-out to: Ray Myles, who plays Father Dakin. Maybe someday I'll do a Ray Myles appreciation essay. He shows up in a lot of Millard's other movies, and has some bit parts in movies like The Amorous Adventures of Don Quixote and Sancho Panza and Ilsa, Harem Keeper of the Oil Sheiks (two titles which just roll off your tongue). I want to know what acting school he went to, because his English accent is one of the most refined I've ever heard. He's a wonderful man to listen to, and an astoundingly controlled actor. Listening to him recite "Dies Irae" at the end sends shivers down my spine. He is too good, and more people should know about him.

Not everything is perfect, but what movie is? The vampires' teeth look incredibly silly, mostly because they also include bottom teeth, giving the impression that they have tusks, or perhaps hillbilly teeth, rather than fangs. Plus, Mark is a moron for not immediately realizing that Dakin is a Satanic vampire--clergymen typically don't get happily excited when recounting the victories of the Devil. So there's a little bit of Idiot Ball play at work here in the script, which is never good. And finally, there's a scene with a policeman who was clearly spliced into the action much later, at a different shooting location. You'll know it when you see it--it's flagged by the fact that it will make you laugh your ass off. There's a very similar scene in Ed Wood's The Sinister Urge, featuring the policeman "Kline" who makes a bizarrely pointless appearance via extra-locational splicing, which is a great moment in the MST3K episode for such. Was Millard homaging Wood? The world will never know!!!! (He wasn't.)

But the faults blend in well with the rest of this movie. Everything feels coherent and complete. This is a must-see for the Millard initiate, and indeed for Millard fans as well. It never hurts to burn an hour!

P.S. HAPPY 100 REVIEWS! (Not counting Retrospectives, otherwise we would have passed this 57 movies ago.) I don't think I coulda picked a better director to commemorate a hundred reviews with than Nick Millard. Plus, it bodes well that this was also the week I got to see Jungle Trap. Here's to a hundred more!

If you like the site and want to see more reviews like this, please consider becoming my Patron on Patreon! And don't forget to like the A-List on Facebook!

Wednesday, July 26, 2017

Jungle Trap (1990/2016), by James Bryan



Do NOT read this review if you do not want this freshly-released film spoiled. Thou hast been warned!

We've all been waiting a long time for this one. James Bryan's final horror hurrah--finally sewn together from its 26-year-old principle photography by the pioneers at Bleeding Skull Video, this is the culmination of the work Bryan and Renee Harmon collaborated on. While strangely resembling more Harmon's Escape from the Insane Asylum than Bryan's Don't Go in the Woods, Jungle Trap is an astonishing and refreshing glimpse into something that is familiar but new--so distinct from its makers' other pieces, and yet unmistakably created by the loving hands of the very same duo.

Renee Harmon plays Chris Carpenter, a journalist whose career has been scrambled somewhat by her bungling of an expedition into the Amazon territory of the Mali tribe. A girl, Jean, ended up getting killed in an apparent accident. All the same, Chris intends to go back to the Amazon to retrieve the Mali Idol; it's just that this return expedition is being led by Josh, her immoral anthropologist ex-husband. Chris recounts how the Malis were swept off their land by greedy government officials who wanted to steal their land and build a resort on it. The subsequently-built Palace Hotel was abandoned to the jungle shortly after its opening. Trouble strikes the expedition early when their guide is suddenly murdered by a mysterious cultist who seems intent on avenging the Malis. After a ride on the world's most unconvincing train, wherein we learn the Malis had something to do with the sudden closing of the Palace (involving a lot of employee heads being lopped off), the group is prepared to fly into the rainforest interior, courtesy of alcoholic pilot John. And wouldn't you know it, they pick up a new guide, too--friendly Mr. Ortega, who is our cultist friend from earlier. They are able to find the Palace Hotel, and learn that tales of its destruction were greatly exaggerated. One of the girls of the expedition, however, is sure that the supposed staff of the hotel are ghosts. That doesn't bode well, given that the Malis are said to control the spirits of their victims--and given that the Malis will be going on the warpath soon.

It is tough for me to analyze Jungle Trap without first giving full credit to and explanation of its origin. James Bryan nearly completed Jungle Trap in 1990 when the VHS horror market fell out from under him. He and Harmon had found some success by rebranding a new version of Lady Street Fighter as Run Coyote Run in 1987, but there were suddenly no distributors available for Jungle Trap; the tapes sat unused for years. But with the help of Bleeding Skull, a new soundtrack was recorded, and the footage was cut into what is a ultimately a very smooth and professional-looking movie. There's some jaggedness here and there--contrast between film footage, video footage, and what may be new footage edited to resemble video (?)--but overall it looks amazing. And it sounds amazing, too. The fresh synth soundtrack is made to deliberately resemble the sort of music you'd hear on SOV movies at the time, and it is exactly on point. H. Kingsley Thurber would be proud.

With that out of the way, let me just say: I will always trust a movie that brings me evil cackling cultists and quick-zooms of shrunken heads. I will also always trust a movie which brings me that really shabby-looking train like the one I mentioned above. It helps that aboard said train are some hippies which basically Crazy Ralph the expedition about the horrors of the Palace Hotel, and their delivery is great. The "foreshadowing" in this movie is clumsy as hell--you can guess what's going to happen at the Hotel, especially if you've seen Bloody Wednesday--but still the movie pulls off occasional chills. The soundtrack, as I can praise it enough, really helps in that regard. There's still a shadow of the creepiness from Don't Go in the Woods. There are many moods within it, and that keeps it all fun and engaging.

It's so fun to see Renee Harmon and the others give one last go at it, like the future was never coming. Frank Neuhaus, from Hell Riders, Run Coyote Run, and Escape from the Insane Asylum is here. Rhonda Collier, who plays one of the expedition members, was in Escape from the Insane Asylum too (I think most of everyone here was in that one). It's too bad that Dick and Cherry and Dale couldn't come back to say goodbye. But this feels conclusive--I feel like that pack of movies I started watching when I was a kid have their ending now. The missing piece has been put in place. I wish there was more, but this is still quite satisfactory. The last shot of the film shows Renee and John the drunk pilot laughing with each other, arms around one another, happy to be alive. James Bryan doesn't play John but they're both white-bearded old men, and it's easy to see him as a stand-in for Harmon's old friend. It's one last laugh together, as a team. And then the book closes.

This was worth the wait. This is Bryan and Harmon's Phantom of the Convent. Their The Shining. Their Cabin in the Woods. Their Cannibal Ferox. I will spoil no more about it, and instead leave you to pick it up yourself. Now, we've spoken of endings, but I'm not sure if I've properly gotten to the beginning yet. Escape to Passion, I'll speak of you before the year is out. That's a promise!

If you enjoyed this review and would like to see more like it, plus get some writerly bonus goodies, check out my Patreon. And don't forget to like the A-List on Facebook to get updates!

The Ghost (1963), by Riccardo Freda



It's weird for me to come back to The Ghost after some of the madness we've been touching on lately. After Gretta and The Telephone Book and all the rest, a middling Euro-Gothic memorable to me chiefly because I enjoyed it as a kid is hardly going to be a good link in our combo chain, to use a fighting game metaphor. Whatever--this is film criticism, and the only rule is that there are no rules. (That and that you must hate every remake without watching it.) The Ghost may be one of the most painfully non-crazy films I happen to like, but I know not everything needs to be the most extravagantly nutty thing on the block. Let's get stuffy.

Dr. John Hichcock has been paralyzed, but he and his friend Dr. Charles Livingstone are trying to use poison to cure that. The idea is that they'll expose him to an almost-lethal dose of curare, and then give him the antidote at the last second, so that, ideally, the shock will bring vitality back to his legs. On the side, Hichcock also indulges in seances and other spiritualist fancies with his medium housemaid Catherine. Most people, including Hichcock's wife Margaret, are opposed to such dangerous extravagances. But she loves him all the same...or so it seems. It's still several years before the good doctor would have the chance to read Lady Chatterley's Lover, but let's just say being the man around the house who can't use the lower half of his body is not a good thing when one is a fictional character. Margaret is a good actress, and not just because she's played by horror empress Barbara Steele; she and Charles are having an affair, and she hates John entirely, wanting only his money. You can imagine what happens next--it's just a matter of a little too much curare, or the cure delivered a little too late. Soon the treacherous couple are free, but in truth their troubles are just beginning. After all, this movie ain't called The Ghost for nuthin'. But what's really going on here?

I think what I like the most about The Ghost is that it's one of the most generic movies I can think of. What? No, I'm normal, I swear. I am captivated by The Ghost because it does the exact minimum an atmospheric Gothic spooker about adultery has to do to be a movie, while still being entertaining. Provided, as a kid, I was very much fascinated with horror that I wasn't scared by. I would try to find what people found creepy in horror stories I thought were mundane so as to better understand what scared people. For the benefit of my writing, of course--like I said, I'm absolutely normal. The Ghost touches on the usual Gothic fears: ghosts, obviously, as well as crypts and untrustworthy house staff. And deception, of course. I seem to remember this movie's twist actually getting me as a kid, though I also remember being pissed about the movie's final stance on paranormal activity. As an adult you will probably guess what's up before the finale, especially since there are a few other movies that have very similar premises.

One of them is 1965's Nightmare Castle, a movie which also tends to garnish the public domain collections that The Ghost has a tendency to appear on (and which also stars Barbara Steele). I only saw that recently, under the best possible conditions: a remastered HD print, in its uncut 100+ minute form. And I fell asleep three times. Maybe it was the absence of the nostalgia hook, but there was also the lurking sense that Castle director Mario Caiano was ripping off Riccardo Freda...especially since Nightmare Castle also rips off Freda's The Horrible Dr. Hichcock! (It's okay, they all rip off Les Diaboliques.) Incidentally, The Ghost is often listed as a sequel to The Horrible Dr. Hichcock, even though the Dr. Hichcock in that movie is named Bernard, not John. I assume that Bernard and John are brothers and probably blood kin of The Awful Dr. Orlof, which, fittingly, The Horrible Dr. Hichcock shared a double bill with back in the '60s. The Horrible Dr. Hichcock is pretty good as well, definitely more of a B-feature, but it features yet another amazing performance from Barbara Steele so it's worth tracking down.

How does this movie hold up as a trash film, then? Well, it's definitely more to the side of commercial products like Horror Safari than the material I usually like to cover, but there are still some classic bad movie moments. The movie opens strangely, in media res at the end of one of Hichcock's seances, as Charles says, "That's enough for tonight." Operatic music swells and the opening credits play as everyone files away. For years I assumed the public domain DVD I had was cut, but nope, the movie's supposed to play like that. I have no idea why they did this, aside from just having no clue on how to start the movie. But surely you could have had a creepy establishing shot of the house or something...?

This movie is also really melodramatic, sometimes beyond the call of duty required of a Gothic horror movie. Hichcock seeming never notices that his supposedly-doting wife wants to kill him, even when she freezes and stares murderously into the distance for several seconds while holding a straight razor up to his throat during a shaving session. People gasp at the movement of curtains or shadows, and someone actually says, "I had to do it. There will be no witnesses." And of course, everything boils down to a hammy cackling exposition dump at the end. I guess if you want to see Dungeon of Harrow made by Europeans, or a Jess Franco movie without even a hint of ass or pubes, this is the way to go. The Ghost is like a hard pair of shoes, and takes a good breaking in, but once you get it to fit it will bring you some good walking.

If you like the site and want to see more reviews like this, please consider becoming my Patron on Patreon! And don't forget to like the A-List on Facebook!

Monday, July 24, 2017

Euridice BA 2037 (1975), by Nikos Nikolaidis



Well, this movie gave me nightmares, so that's a reason to review it.

Euridice BA 2037 is a Greek art film retelling the story of Euridice--as you might expect. So we follow Euridice as she sits trapped in her apartment (Apartment BA 2037), dealing with the bureaucracy of a moving company for a transfer that will never come. A bunch of hippies sometimes open her windows to throw garbage at her and poke her with sticks. She complains to her boyfriend that she can't remember if she's been waiting for the moving trucks for five days or five years; shortly thereafter she begins receiving mysterious calls from a man who claims to have once been her lover. She is also haunted by creepy shadowy figures that probe around at her windows and occasionally-transparent walls. These shadow-figures also run their hands over her sheets when she's sleeping. When she's not trying to figure out her move, she's inhaling vomit out of the toilet, or making her toy dolls fuck each other before biting their plastic dicks off. It may all be tied up in the mysterious death of her friend Vera. In the end we find out that the man who has been calling Euridice is actually her boyfriend from the beginning, because this is an art film and we need a mindfuck ending.

Hm...that all sounds pretty strange. I'm sure it has something to do with the original myth of Euridice. Euridice was the wife of Orpheus, son of Morpheus the dream-god; a friend of Orpheus' decided to hit on her, and when she ran away from him she stepped on a snake, which killed her. Orpheus voyaged into the Underworld to rescue her and played a song that charmed Hades and Persephone into agreeing to let her go...but only under the condition that he not turn back as he ascended out of the Underworld. Orpheus was nearly back to the surface when he had a last-minute doubt that Euridice was following him, and when he looked back and saw her, she was sucked back into Hell, this time permanently.

...okay, so basically they took the story of "woman is in Hell" and went with that. That's cool, even ignoring the fact that the Greek Underworld wasn't really Hell the way the Judeo-Christian world knows it. And Hell this is indeed. I can't claim to understand all of the symbolism in this movie--frankly, I'm a little symbolism'd out at this point--but let's just say for now that there's plenty of terrifying and Freudian bullshit to go around. The creepy figures that stalk Euridice steer this movie straight into horror territory, but the focus is so clearly on the nonsense artistic aspects that it's tough to tell if this was the intent. Nevertheless, as a horror fan I loved all the little moments where these faceless creatures would poke in all Silent Hill-like to fuck with our protagonist.

And of course there is the sexual imagery. An important letter concerning Euridice's transfer comes when she's in the shower, and so our first glimpse of her admittedly beautiful body is when she is caught in the throes of panic. This sets the movie's habit of undercutting eroticism with something unsettling--hey, like a lot of these art films! The doll sex scene is what really sold me. They actually had to mold and cast a tiny little hard-on for the baby doll they use. This is the first movie I've seen that contains a doll-castration; I hope many more follow.

I think I like art films the best when I can riff them. It's pretty hilarious when I get to make a Telephone Book joke: the first words out of my mouth when I realized the nature of Euridice's phone call were "I'd like to talk to you very seriously for a moment, about your beautiful tits." For all the chills it sent up my spine, Euridice BA 2037 is prime material for riffing just because, like a lot of art films, it takes itself a bit too seriously at times. It is also, like a lot of art films, tremendously boring at stretches. I loved it all the same.

And it did give me nightmares! I watched this movie twice, taking on a second viewing because I barely remembered my first. After the initial viewing I had a dream about those hippies from the beginning breaking into my house and poking me and my family with sticks, and throwing garbage at us. That's why I ended up bothering with a second viewing in the first place. I guess there's some imagery that just sticks with you. Euridice BA 2037, for all its faults, contains many such images, and while I can't recommend it wholeheartedly, I do think it's something you should cross off if you like your horror movies leaning to the artsy side. Carnival of Souls fans take note!

If you enjoyed this review and want to see more like it, consider becoming a Patron on Patreon! And don't forget to like the A-List's Facebook page!

Sunday, July 23, 2017

New Book Out!! DEUS MEGA THERION & THE DIVINE MRS. E ARE HERE!!!

I have some exciting news! My double-sided party in paperback has been published by Odd Tales Productions! Check it out here on Lulu!


Publisher's Description: "DEUS MEGA THERION tells the tale of Jagged Skull, an '80s heavy metal band who runs afoul of a Satanic cult presided over by the sinister Edward Tamaron. Forced to play a string of concerts for the cult, the band members learn more about themselves and the world they live in. 

THE DIVINE MRS. E (Or, the Adventure of the Textual Lacuna) is the story of an actress who must solve a murder on the set of one of her films. But she is not who she seems to be, and her adventure will bring her face-to-face with fiction, femininity, and the divinity of both. 

This paperback features two excellent covers from James Bezecny, and has awesome flipbook action, meaning it can be read no matter what side is up. An Odd Tales Productions exclusive!"

An ebook version and a video trailer will be coming soon! And thank you!!

P.S. There will an extra review this week as Wednesday sees the release of James Bryan's long-lost soon-to-be-classic Jungle Trap. GET PUMPED!

Friday, July 21, 2017

The Island of Dr. Moreau (1996), by Richard Stanley and John Frankenheimer



Let's just get this out of the way: yes, I'm once more cheating on the site by reviewing this big-budgeted star vehicle directed by people who have some rather impressive accomplishments under their belts. However: this adaptation of The Island of Dr. Moreau is considered to be one of the worst films ever made, in no small part to its legendarily troubled production. I knew bits and pieces of the story behind the creation of this film and that was why I sought it out to begin with--plus, there's always at least a little joy in examining movies that people consider to be the worst ever. Let's face it: the most famous "worst movies ever" are not actually the worst movies ever made, just the ones that are considered famously bad by mainstream audiences. Freddy Got Fingered, for example, is not nearly as bad as Night of Horror, Humongous, or any of the animated musicals based off of the Titanic story. I've determined for myself that sometimes mainstream audiences can be a little spoiled--while also constantly deserving better--and I think today's movie really speaks to that idea. The Island of Dr. Moreau is actually a very impressive effort even if it's definitely still harebrained enough to have pissed off a lot of critics back in '96.

We open on the lifeboat of diplomat Edward Douglas (David Thewlis, whom many of you know as Professor Lupin of Hogwarts), whose plane went down on his way to Asia to negotiate a peace settlement. It's mentioned briefly that the year is 2010, but this has almost no bearing on the story whatsoever. Douglas is witnessing his two fellow survivors, army folk by the looks of them, savagely beating each other to death over the last canteen of water. Soon he is alone when the two inevitably kill each other (with no small help from the opportunistic Douglas himself), their bloody bodies vanishing beneath the waves to be eaten by the sharks. A delirious Douglas is eventually rescued by an apparent drug-addict and self-described veterinarian named Montgomery, played by Val Kilmer. Douglas is to go with Montgomery to the island of his employer, a scientist named Moreau.

Upon arriving on the island, Douglas meets Aissa, a stunning young woman who claims to be the doctor's daughter. Her presence helps bring Douglas a sense of peace, but it will not last long. When he inevitably goes poking around in the night, Douglas learns the secret of the island in the most gruesome way possible when he finds a bunch of doctors helping some kind of humanoid deer-creature gives birth to its braying, horrifying offspring. When he flees the situation worsens, as he finds himself surrounded by dozens by disfigured creatures that are seemingly half-man, half-animal. And indeed they are exactly that. As you may expect, Moreau (soon revealed to be played by Marlon Brando in a performance I cannot adequately summarize) is the man responsible, and Douglas has his chance to meet Moreau the next morning, when the scientist rides up in his draped palanquin, his skin obscured by thick white robes and a garish amount of sunblock. At dinner, Moreau introduces Douglas to his "children," including the exceedingly polite Azazello, made from a dog, and Majai, a diminutive creature made from God-knows-what who resembles something like a severely premature fetus who lived. Moreau has made his creations from splicing human genes into animals, but they must be controlled with a device called "the Pain" which administers electrical shocks to the beast-folk via implants--plus, they must be given drugs to prevent them from regressing back into their bestial forms.

The unstable peace of the island is finally broken when Montgomery and Douglas inform Moreau of a slaughtered rabbit carcass they found earlier. The beast-people live by a strict code of social etiquette called "the Law" which is another buffer against their reversion--one of the codes of the Law is "not to eat fish or flesh," so this is a sign that one of the beast-men is going rogue. This turns out to be a creature called Lomai, who is killed impulsively by Azazello at the trial Moreau holds for him. When Lomai's remains are cremated, a friend of his, a Hyena-Swine hybrid, discovers his implant and thus the source of the Pain. He removes his implant and forms a small gang who does the same. It won't be long before the questions Moreau refused to answer for his children catch up with him, and change the dynamic of who is a man, an animal, or a god in this place.

I think I've now seen basically every version of Island of Dr. Moreau that there is. The 1977 adaptation was passable, the 1933 Island of Lost Souls is a minor masterpiece of great '30s actors, and the 1921 silent German adaptation is a racist pile of feces. Plus there are movies like Terror is a Man and The Twilight People which, while not featuring a Dr. Moreau specifically by name, use the same general character types and situations as H.G. Wells' original 1896 novel. Wells' book is one of the few pieces of Victorian lit from my childhood which can still give me chills to this day, and the general premise is one I'd like to play with in my own fiction someday. And I think that the film's original director Richard Stanley understood the concepts behind the novel extremely well (even arguably improving on some of them), and with some minor divergences in the presentation of the characters, this is a pretty pure adaptation on top of everything--it's certainly more loyal than Island of Lost Souls, which Wells himself lived to see and hate. So it should be said right away that I will have a bias, because I have a certain fondness for the story. What makes it my favorite adaptation of the novel exists within those divergences. So, what did Stanley and Frankenheimer do that made it different?

Well, let's start with the most obvious, and that's Dr. Moreau himself. Marlon Brando apparently wanted to channel much of his previous portrayal of Kurtz from Apocalypse Now in the formation of his Moreau character, and not without reason. Both of them are isolated eccentrics who live in quasi-inaccessible jungles, who are discovered by everyman protagonists who learn firsthand how deep their madness extends before the worlds they've made for themselves collapse. Both Kurtz and Moreau were once considered eminent in their respective fields, but have lost all sense of purpose and reason in a sea of ever-complicating horror. But at the same time, Kurtz did not take on attire which made him look like, as this Wold Newton article has it, "the Pillsbury dough boy wearing drapes." Nor did he affect a mincing what-if-Truman-Capote-was-English accent. What makes Moreau and Kurtz different is that Kurtz's madness is a product of the Vietnam War, whereas Moreau seems to have a lack of motivation. This was one of the most interesting things about the character to me.

In the scene where Douglas meets Moreau, he specifically asks him, "Why are you doing this?" And Moreau is clearly uncomfortable with the question--he changes the topic entirely, to make it about how he "just can't tolerate the sun." Later, at the dinner scene, he gives a deeper explanation, that infusing animals with human traits will create people who are freed from the "Satanic" faults of human psychology. This doesn't make a whole lot of sense, as what happens to the beast-people is exactly what you'd expect--they have gained enough humanity to walk, talk, and have manners, but they are still close enough to being animals that this creates an existential crisis for them. They have more psychological problems than the average person, and any idiot would know in advance that that was an inevitability. Moreau shows on several occasions, however, that he simply doesn't care--it's the end result of this work that matters, and if there are some fuck-ups in the prototyping he'll coo and purr them back into submission. One clue to the mystery arises in the summary of the Law, where one of the tenets not present in Wells' novel is "not to make love to more than one, or in any which way." So polyamory and homosexuality are apparently off the table entirely for the beast-folk. One could argue that in the case of the former, Moreau is trying to avoid the sort of socialization that animals like lions practice; a lot of animals are naturally polyamorous. But assuming that the "any which way" bit is meant to refer to homosexuality, then we can view Moreau in the context of a social purist, a person ruled by his intolerance of the imperfection of the people around him. This ties in with the film's theme of Christian dualism, "God vs. Satan," as it pertains to Moreau's role as a creator. Moreau thinks he can remake a flawed mankind anew, but no amount of science can give him that power. "He tampered in God's domain," as Ed Wood once put it, and as my MST3K-loving ass put it as the movie ended.

But I don't think the theme of the movie, as it is in other movies about God-domain tampering, is an anti-science one. I think it simply argues against perfectionism. The movie is all about flaws, and related to that, it's about chaos. Why else does beastman M'Ling read Yeats' "The Second Coming" at dinner? Moreau, as hypocritical and flawed as he is, is the lynchpin holding all of this together, and as in the book, his death means the end of social order on the island as a consequence of what he left for his "children." And here we're starting to get into what makes people think this movie is bad. After Marlon Brando leaves the movie, dismembered by his own beast-men, we lose our sense of narrative structure. I'm not the first critic to point this out. Things just sort of stop. We see Douglas trying to find a sample of the anti-regression serum for Aissa, and it takes way too long. We see Val Kilmer slowly go insane from stress and drugs, and this seems to linger unnecessarily. After the hour mark, you could cut out about twenty minutes of the forty which remain, and the movie would flow much better. But you'd still have to make something of the comparatively sloppy editing and continuity that ensues.

I think the real-world reason for this post-Brando chaos, where it seems to become an entirely different movie, is probably a result of Richard Stanley's scenes contrasting with John Frankenheimer's. A lazy, less art-inclined script might be accountable for moments like Kilmer's "I wanna go to Dog Heaven." But just for funsies, let's assume this was deliberate. Suddenly, the shift in editing, acting, and flow are a result of the absence of God. The Maker has been slain, and in his wake reigns disorder. Moreau almost gets posthumous vindication of his godhood in this, even if all of the shit that follows his death cascades out of all of the mistakes he made in his attempts to control the beast-folk society. One could almost see a pro-religion message in this, given that invariably the message at the end boils down to, "I wonder who the real animals are? Man? Or beast?" Have we, too, lost our God? Is that why we are dragged down into the Satanic flaws instilled in us in birth, which make us create the evils of this world?

I myself don't buy that that was what they were going for, because Richard Stanley has indicated that his outlook on life is considerably more mystical. In preparation for this review, I watched the 2014 documentary Lost Soul: The Doomed Journey of Richard Stanley's Island of Dr. Moreau, which is a fascinating watch even if you don't end up doing anything at all with this movie. The older I get the more I love hearing production stories for movies, and it is my shame to admit that I take special interest in movies with bizarre or horrifying production stories. Island of Dr. Moreau was pretty fucked up, to say the least. How the movie metamorphosized from Stanley's artistic vision of mystic, universal questions to Frankenheimer's relatively commercial New Line product is like a goddamn drug trip. An apt metaphor, as psychedelic drugs were a big influence on Stanley's scripting and directing, alongside his beliefs in magic. For a movie based on the idea of post-theistic chaos to have a production as chaotic as the events depicted in it is one of those magical breaches between fiction and reality that I love looking through history for. Every so often we are hit with something that satisfies our desire to see patterns in everything reminds us that while life creates art, sometimes too does art create life. I don't recall if Stanley talks about this link directly in the documentary but I know his type well enough to feel that he was satisfied by this. Even with the trauma and career damage it brought to him.

The Island of Dr. Moreau is far from perfect. Some of the lines are horrible, the performances vary depending on at which point in the production the scene was filmed, there are some awful CGI monkeys, and its female lead doesn't really get to do anything but look pretty, flinch a lot, and eventually make embarrassingly dubbed-over cat noises. But it definitely deserves a better appraisal than what it's gotten over the years, so give it a try. And don't worry about the art. Just keep your eyes on Brando's insanely campy performance and all will be well.

If you enjoyed this review and want to get ones like it in advance, consider becoming my Patron on Patreon!

Wednesday, July 19, 2017

Roar (1981), by Noel Marshall



This is one of the weirdest exploitation movies I've ever seen in my life.


Really. This was a fucking surreal experience. I don't know if there's a "proper" way to discuss a film like this--I don't even know if it's proper to call it an "exploitation" movie--but I will do my best. If you aren't familiar with the story of Roar, the succinct version is this: in 1970, Hitchcock actress Tippi Hedren and her then-husband Noel Marshall decided to make a movie dedicated to spreading awareness of the rapid shrinkage of the global big cat population. Over the next eleven years, Hedren and Marshall turned their California home into a private reserve for over a hundred untrained lions, tigers, and leopards (including Togare, the pet lion of Anton LaVey). Then, they decided to make a movie showing these animals doing their thing. And do their thing they did. 100+ cast and crew members, including Hedren and Marshall themselves, were badly injured as a result of maulings and other animal-related incidents. And yet, through Hell and high water, the team prevailed, and the movie hit European theaters in the early '80s to a disappointing return of $2 million against a $17 million budget.

And they kept in a shit-ton of footage of people being mauled.

What's weird is that I wasn't traumatized by this. Don't think of me as desensitized by all the violence I ordinarily observe as part of writing for this site--I can still spot the difference between fake violence and real, and the violence inflicted on human beings in the course of Roar is very real. But the movie is so fucking weird that the sheer grotesquery of the violence never quite caught up with me. This is a movie about contrasts: obvious purpose duking it out against an obvious subversion of that same purpose. It is happy-go-lucky and brutally visceral at the same time. Even as you get caught up in scenes of people enjoying themselves, you are constantly wearing down your fingernails with worry over whether the next inevitable injury will top the one that came before. And then it will break both of those moods to throw something in that's just bizarre. This is a one of a kind movie and even if it's not the most enjoyable movie in the world, for reasons obvious and otherwise, it's still worth a look if you feel your guts can take it.

Yes, the movie has a plot...sort of. In essence, Hank is a Bob Ross lookalike who runs a small African estate along with the film's plethora of wild animals. His friend Mativo is understandably terrified by the situation, but Hank tells him not to worry--this house will make excellent lodging for Hank and his family, when his wife Madeleine, daughter Melanie, and sons Jerry and John all finally arrive as he's requested. Yep, that's right...the man is taking a leaf from the book of Heihachi and literally throwing his family to the lions. (Noel Marshall plays Hank, Hedren plays Madeleine, and their respective kids play their roles eponymously, adding a notable meta-layer to all this.) He doesn't do so out of malice, however, and he does his damnedest to prove to Mativo that the lions are friendly. They just need a little social balance, as Togare, the renegade, frequently steals food from the central "pride" and pisses them off. I say "pride" in quotes as much of these early sequences show the various lions fighting each other. Constantly. (There's a "No Animal Were Harmed" Certificate at the front of the movie and it seems to be genuine--some scenes of animals covered in "blood" actually just show them painted, and none of the scraps between the animals seem to have left permanent injury. Still, one may find their focus on these prolonged intra-animal fights listing after a while.)

We learn quickly that Madeleine and Co. have no idea what lies in store for them. Hank evidently assumes that they'll arrive later than they actually do, as he travels away from the plantation to convince the local government that a mauling incident occurring on his plantation should not halt the proposed ending of lion-hunts in the area. As Hank's family spends several days among the cats, watching them tear the house apart piece by piece, we follow the story of his attempts to make it back to the house as the men who were injured at Hank's place follow him through the brush, sniping down every big cat they see. But in the end, everything's alright, because despite biting, tackling, and clawing them, the lions did not kill Hank's family in their sleep, which means they're friendly. I'm not kidding, that's the rationale they give for why Hank is right about humans and lions being able to live in peace. The lions abstained from eating his wife and children in their sleep.

They were real damn lucky. Like I said, this movie is edge-of-your-seat horror from start to finish. Anyone who has even had a dog knock them down would understand there is something in our brains dating back to when we lived in caves that tells us how rational it is to be afraid of four-legged predators with fangs, claws, and superior strength. I've never been attacked by a lion, but you can really understand the fear the cast is feeling from the visuals--never mind that most of the actors spend most of the movie screaming in some capacity. It is impossible for me to describe this centermost aspect of the film without suggesting that it is a horror movie about an eccentric driven mad by isolation on the African savanna who subjects his family to some Jaws-esque killer creature shenanigans as part of his weird social experiments. But instead, this is scripted as a family feature about a bunch of chumps who learn that their conceptions of the violent, scalp-severing animals they fear are misplaced. Hell, the ending song even says that the plantation is their Garden of Eden! To get a handle on the tone of this film, just imagine that every single time someone is graphically injured, someone who looks uncannily like Bob Ross is in the background, grinning and saying, "Oh, no, no! It's fine! Everything's fine!" Even as he is the one being subjected to tiger-mauling. Similarly, Hank's family's response to see three dozen lions trap them in a house? "Holy mackerel! Look what the cat dragged in!"

But then, this isn't even really a proper family film...one of the few conversations that manages to stay on-script is Melanie complaining to her mother and siblings that this trip will leave her sex-starved. She then goes on to blame her mother for Hank's leaving due to passing that same sexual starvation onto him! This is one of the few scenes in the movie where the cast's attempts at acting aren't horribly marred by their attempts to act around their feline co-stars. This means that every single interaction between human beings has something fundamentally wrong in it--either a performance botched out of fear, or a bizarro line that somehow managed to survive all eleven years of production. To put it simply, this movie is a tonal mess, and therefore it can only be appreciated for sheer spectacle.

What's weird is that the filmmakers, in their undying earnestness and sincerity, actually somewhat succeed in their mission. Taken as a collection of shots of lions unfettered by human influence, the movie shows these creatures as they really are, in ways both good and bad. I will confess to having a certain bias towards big cats because when they do take to humans, they act essentially identical to their housecat cousins. Lions are actually really cute, and for all the violence of the film, there are still plenty of moments where you can see this fact. I understood the general message of the movie to be that we should leave these animals alone, reorganizing our own habits to better accommodate their shared position on this planet...even if the main characters take it a step beyond that by choosing to live with the lions directly. Objectively, the movie fails to prove its thesis, but you can still bits of convincing evidence here and there. The film never convinces you of its opposite point, that these animals should be exterminated--it highlights the cruelty of that act even while refusing to sugarcoat what the cats can do to a human body. I think that's pretty admirable.

Still, though. Noel Marshall and Tippi Hedren are aliens, and no one can convince me otherwise. Watch this strange, alien movie, if you can stand the sight of real blood, and know that there is literally no way an experiment like this could be replicated again.

If you like reviews like this and want to see more, and want to get yerself some exclusive A-List goodies, consider becoming a Patron on Patreon!

Monday, July 17, 2017

The Phantom of the Convent (1934), by Fernando de Fuentes



I'm going to tell you all something depressing: I have almost exhausted my supply of horror movies from the '30s and '40s. It's not depressing because I'm going to be running out of these kinds of movies, it's depressing because I've watched so many of them. The ones that have appeared recently on the site are only the tip of the iceberg...remember, I tend to review stuff on this site that I like. Well, fortunately, I've not quite done mining out these decades, as it turns out I've been blinded by American-centrism, and forgotten that other countries made low-budget horror films in the '30s and '40s. I've tried to get into some of the British scare films from this time, particularly those featuring camp legend Tod Slaughter, but this is one time where British sensibilities are too overwhelmingly mild for me. I need something that has teeth in its mouth and meat on its bones. Well, as it happens, there was a short string of horror movies made in Mexico in the 1930s that erupted in seeming response to the likes of Dracula and Frankenstein. (After all, Spanish-speaking Mexicans would have had access to a Dracula all their own, due to Universal's shot-by-night alternate Spanish version of Dracula.) Recently I've worked through as many of these '30s Mexican fright films as I can get my hands on, which is tough given that, surprise, many of them have been lost. Unfortunately, for me at least, fewer still among them have ever been given English subtitles. I've been able to decipher some of them thanks to some of the English and French cognates I can pick up now and again, but otherwise I'm reliant on physical presentation and online plot synopses. One of the ones that has gotten an English translation, however, is 1934's The Phantom of the Convent. Even if this movie wasn't available with subs, it would still stand out among its brethren, but I am infinitely grateful for whoever subbed this film. Phantom of the Convent is a fascinating, eerie, legitimately good horror movie with some complicated psychology, which I'm perpetually stunned has not left grander scars on the face of cinema.

Alfonso, Eduardo, and Cristina are a trio traveling in the mountains somewhere. The wimpy Eduardo is married to Cristina and is uncomfortably aware of the attraction she shares with Alfonso, who is his best friend. This sort of tangled red string is not the sort of thing you want to have when you end up stranded on the mountain in the middle of the night, nor when a mysterious stranger and his spooky dog show up to offer you shelter at the monastery that's supposed to be abandoned. This is the very fate that befalls the three, and it turns out that that reports of the abandonment of the ominously-named Monastery of Silence are indeed exaggerated. However--as if the imposing black-clad stranger or the too-huge eyes peering through the door weren't enough tip-off--it becomes clear that something is amiss in the Silent Convent. The three find a cabinet that is partially tipped over; they fix it, but as they leave the room Eduardo glances back and sees it's been restored to its initial position. They also come across a monk who is flagellating himself, which we only see in shadow. Eeriest of all is the monk's cell which is blocked off with an enormous cross, which is either covered in scratches or what seem to be strips of flesh...that we can't tell makes it worse. Above the cell is an enigmatic Latin message about the damnation of those who succumb to carnal sin, and before our heroes are properly prepared, they begin hearing agonized moans from within...

It is here that the monks properly welcome the three with an enormous banquet, wherein they all but reveal they are the living dead. Strangely, the three don't seem to care, as they are all beginning to undergo certain changes...Eduardo is becoming more cowardly, while Alfonso and Cristina grow even bolder about their extramarital lust. Still, what questions they do have for the monks are met only with standoffishness, at least until a wind begins to blow through the Monastery. The monks then go on about having to stop "him" and embark on a complex prayer ritual. Now they are willing to explain what has happened to their monastery. Long ago, there was a brother among them named Fray Rodrigo. Rodrigo coveted his best friend's wife, and despite knowing the evils of such, he made a pact with Satan to kill his friend and make his wife fall in love with him. For this, he was haunted by guilt, and eventually the Dark One came for him. The monks tried to bury his body, but every time they did, it would return to its cell, to the place its owner had been killed in.

The monks then received a curse from God, that they must pray until Rodrigo's soul was cleansed, no matter how long it took. During this time "the Evil" would raid the monastery at night and make the weird psychological hell it is today. Despite all of this knowledge, however, it becomes clear that Alfonso cannot escape the archetypical mold left for him by the wife-loving Rodrigo. And that brings him to a desperate, terrifying encounter with the awful things that lurk in Rodrigo's locked-up cell...

Most of the '30s Mexican horror movies I watched before this lacked the sheer distinctiveness that this movie possessed. Much like their northern counterparts, many of them were made to make a buck, and that was all. Of the selection I watched, I only found interest in the sci-fi thriller The Dead Speak, about a "mad" scientist's quest to prove the reality of forensic optography, and The Macabre Trunk, which may be the first horror movie to feature a scientist who harvests "glands" to keep his female relative living/young--it precedes the extremely similar Bela Lugosi flick The Corpse Vanishes by six years. What I think helps The Phantom of the Convent stand out is its uniquely Mexican identity--more properly defined as a Hispanic Catholic identity. One German review I read (one of the few available online of the film) made the same comparison I did, that the sinister monks and the monastery that is their tomb are highly reminiscent of Amando de Ossorio's Blind Dead series. And with that connection in mind, you begin to see a critique of Catholic strictness arise in Phantom that director Fuentes shares with Ossorio's zombie Templars. Fuentes gives us a universe where God curses a large group of his most devout followers for the trespass of one of them, forcing them to beg him for this fallen man's forgiveness long past the point where any of them would have wanted to die. What's more, God then allows his greatest adversary to add to their misery relatively unchecked, held back only by constant prayer. As for the sinner himself, who died guilty for what he did? He is denied eternal rest within the grave, constantly reanimated to return to his place of penance. And that's before the Devil starts latching onto your soul and bringing out your absolute worst attributes!

Regarding those attributes, there is some implicit and unfortunate misogyny in this movie--at least, I see it as such. The person who becomes most obviously affected by the monastery's corrupting influence is Cristina--and specifically, the monastery makes her more lustful. Alfonso lusts for her too, but he also has his own "No, Johnny's my best friend" moments of resistance. Making the film's sole female character a symbol of lust is bad enough; that she is more strongly affected also suggests she has less internal resistance to the supernatural forces. This was sort of a thorn to me, as was the movie's tendency to repeat conversation points unnecessarily. Otherwise, the whole film was tightly scripted, filled with mystery and some spectacularly horrific imagery.

The ending made me realize I'd heard a variant of this story before; and that story, in turn, claimed to be based on a common folk tale. That is one thing I've noticed about these Mexican horror films--even the less-interesting ones have a much more clear-cut tie to folklore than their counterparts from the States. The Dead Speak's story of "the dead man's eyes" is older than Frankenstein and many of its inherent ideas, while two of the more famous entries in this era of Mexican horror include adaptations of the La Llorona story. Such is also the case with Phantom of the Convent's delving into Catholic lore to build its world. American movies surely conformed to the same type of archetypes as the mythos the Mexican filmmakers were drawing from, but it also seems like American movies had several extra layers of bullshit. The Macabre Trunk, with its parallels to the pretty-darn-batshit Corpse Vanishes, is one of the crazier ones, as is, seemingly, The Mystery of the Ghastly Face, which I found incomprehensible due to a lack of subtitles and plot synopses. (It may be the Mexican Face of Marble, but don't quote me on that.) It seems that Mexican filmmakers particularly enjoyed tapping into their roots in the Spanish-speaking world, probably because that's what their audiences wanted, whereas our American films can't be linked to one culture in particular.

Catholic unease aside, Phantom of the Convent has enough raw atmosphere and psychosis to make it a worthy equal to any of the great horror films that modern audiences love. Actually, this may be one of my new favorite horror films of all time in a way that almost makes me feel guilty reviewing it on a site dedicated to garbage. But the A-List is also about celebrating the obscure, and Phantom is a film that is undeserving of the obscurity it has today. I say that often, but it takes a movie like this to remind me of when it really counts.

Like reviews like this? Want me to be able to afford the movies that make them? Consider becoming a Patron on Patreon to help out the site and unlock bonus goodies!

Friday, July 14, 2017

Plaga Zombie (1997), by Pablo Parés and Hernán Sáez



A young man is wandering through Bubble-Lens Alley after midnight. He is jumped by a gang of skunk-striped punks with incredibly bizarre facepaint--thankfully, he is saved at the last minute by a mysterious beer-drinking interloper. It turns out, however, that said interloper is a zombie! Cut to the apartment of Mike Taylor and his roommate, former doctor Bill Johnson. Johnson is depressed after losing his license to practice following "the accident," and spends most of his day clipping the leaves off of ferns. As we meet Mike and Bill, we also learn the story of John West and Willie Boxer, two ex-wrestlers--the former wants to get back in the ring with his old partner, while the other just wants to sit in bed and smoke. Eventually Mike is abducted by aliens, who cut him open and rub bubble gum on the back of his neck. Okay, that stuff on his back isn't actually bubble gum--it's more that the skin on the back of his neck (and his whole back) is beginning to rot off. And the same thing is happening to Willie, which is the source of his lethargy, in fact. Bill and John join forces, along with Bill's geek neighbor Max, in a desperate struggle against the extraterrestrially-powered living dead. It is this struggle which will consume the rest of the movie until the inevitable downbeat ending.

Plaga Zombie may be Argentina's first zombie film, and if the efforts that follow this one are anything like it, my world just got a little bigger and brighter. It can be tough to watch a lot of horror comedies, especially from the '90s...and especially if zombies are involved. That even the analysis of the idiocy of the scores of thousands of bad zombie movies made over the years is now exhausted is a sign that unless someone does have that startlingly-good fresh idea, the genre is beyond dead, and indeed beyond any sort of topical joke about undeath as well. The one mercy of being bludgeoned with so many of these awful movies is that I've gotten used to knowing when exactly to turn something off. Plaga Zombie, however, looked like a positive outing at first glance, and I'm glad to say it lived up to my initial optimism.

The first realization I came to after watching the movie was how exactly it accomplished its blend of horror and comedy so nicely--besides being just an hour long, that is. Unlike the makers of a lot of horror comedies, directors Parés and Sáez are aware that the best horror comedies are ones where the comedy breaks the tension, and logically plays off of the story the horror parts set up. Rarely are there asides in Plaga Zombie--compare it to Poultrygeist, which will gleefully interrupt its own non-narrative just to bring us a close-up shot of a greasy butthole shitting on the camera. The goofiness comes out in the form of slapstick during the fight scenes, or the actors mugging; sometimes we do cut to something else, but it's always brief, like the cutaway to the zombie giggling stupidly as it tazes itself in the face with a defibrillator. As a result, the movie is actually funny. It doesn't explain its jokes; it doesn't repeat them until they lose all coherence; it doesn't dwell on any one bit for an uncomfortably long time. If you laugh, you laugh. If you don't, you wait for the next part. It's plain and simple.

While the movie never succeeds in being actually creepy, it is still an extremely professional effort. Plaga Zombie was made for a shocking $120, and it contains more actors and extras than movies I've seen made for a thousand times as much. If Parés and Sáez were not film students, they were auto-didacts from having watched a tremendous deal of movies, one of which was almost certainly Evil Dead. The cinematography is almost always appropriate in framing and mobility, and it's one of the few movies I've seen that uses a bubble-lens in a way that works. And the effects are suitably grotesque, as well. Partly-melted Neopolitan ice cream makes surprisingly impressive zombie vomit, while a lot of filmmakers could learn from how cake frosting can be used to make undead face-paint. There wasn't a single moment where I wasn't entertained by the movie, and that's not even getting into the weird shit.

There's one "weird shit" scene in particular I want to highlight, which is Max's introduction. Let's just that as much as this movie threw me, I wasn't expecting to hear Leonard Nimoy rasp out the "Final Frontier" speech as presented in Star Trek: The Motion Picture. What's confusing about this scene is that Max is in a chatroom on his computer, talking to someone named "Kirk"! These circumstances don't really justify themselves outside of establishing that Max, a mathematician, is nerdy, which is funny because Max has a relatively small role in the film.

But of course I'm ignoring the main thing I liked about Plaga Zombie: more than any other Kids Goofing Off movie I've seen so far, it reminded me of the movies I used to make with my friends. All those silly half-comedies about ninjas and bigfoot and Sausage Kings...those were the days. We knew what sort of movies we wanted to make ours like, but it was impossible to ignore putting in our own idiosyncracies as well. And in the case of the movies of my past, this meant a lot of dumb inside jokes which were nonetheless pretty hilarious at the time. But the makers of Plaga Zombie, as I've said, took a very professional approach to their work, and consequently their output is more soberingly fluid than anything I put together.

The production company responsible for Plaga Zombie, Farsa Producciones, has been generous enough to put the movie and its two sequels up on YouTube, so you have no excuse to miss this. I will probably never recommend a zombie comedy ever again, so this is a pretty big deal!

If you enjoyed this review and would like to see more like it, plus unlock other goodies, consider subscribing to my Patreon!

Wednesday, July 12, 2017

The Raiders of Atlantis (1983), by Ruggero Deodato



Huh. I never thought I'd actually grow to love a Ruggero Deodato film. My experience with Deodato has primarily been the second-hand experience of knowing people who have actually sat themselves down and watched Deodato's Cannibal Holocaust. To be honest, I'm sure I myself will find the strength to watch Cannibal Holocaust at some point, since I made it through Cannibal Ferox and all--I'm not overly concerned with the human violence in Cannibal Holocaust, even if I know I have my limits. What worries me more about Holocaust and Deodato in general is the animal cruelty that would become a hallmark of the Amazon Cannibal subgenre...I keep my movies in the realm of fiction. If you start breaking out into reality with some of your stunts, then eyebrows are going to be raised. I made the mistake of following the trails of breadcrumbs that fanned out from the animal slaughter depicted in Cannibal Holocaust and found that Deodato was actually still one of the lighter of the Italian exploitation filmmakers--at least he didn't actually participate in human trafficking, or show real executions, like his comrade Franco Prosperi. Even so I wasn't prepared to forgive Deodato anytime soon. Today's movie, The Raiders of Atlantis, presents to me a paradox I've also run into with Prosperi, which is that I have actually found one of his movies that I like. (In Prosperi's case, I was a fan of his weird killer creatures movie Wild Beasts before I found out about some of his doings.) The Raiders of Atlantis is an unexpectedly entertaining action film, wildly disconnected and yet bizarrely sober all at once. Kinda makes you forget that the guy who made it was a colossal A-hole.

The year is 1994, in Miami Florida a bunch of mercenaries are killing dudes. They include Mike Ross and a man whose name is Mohamed but whom everyone insists on calling Washington. After they are done killing dudes and getting paid for it, we cut to a scientist, Kathy, who has been called from her Central American archaeological work to examine a 12,000 year old tablet of unknown origin. Suddenly, in the wake of the crash of a Russian nuclear submarine, Atlantis rises from the ocean, and as it does so, a group of biker punks, led by a guy in a really cool semi-transparent skull mask, begin killing people. They shoot a housewife in the neck with an arrow and dispose of her husband shortly thereafter. You may not believe it (I sure didn't), but this all comes together and leads to the bulk of the film's content, wherein the mercenaries and scientists battle the punks with a seemingly-endless supply of Molotov cocktails, which they keep kissing before throwing. In the end, however, none of it makes sense, least of all the bullshit explanation that a radiation leak on the Russian sub somehow caused Atlantis to rise from the ocean.

Where do I start? Maybe at the beginning...these opening credits really caught me off-guard. The theme that plays over these credits was jarringly similar to the theme from Yor, Hunter from the Future. It turns out this is due to the simple fact that both songs are done by the Oliver Onions, a band which along with Goblin ended up scoring a lot of European exploitation through the '70s and '80s. It doesn't help that the theme the Spoony One plays on his old Rebuary videos is the theme from The Raiders of Atlantis, even as he's showing footage from Yor, which is probably where I got confused. In any case, I allowed myself to believe for the first ten minutes of this film that Deodato had just stolen the theme from Yor and cut out all the parts that talk about the titular Yor. That would have been the funniest thing since Bruno Mattei stole the Dawn of the Dead theme for Hell of the Living Dead.

Actually, this movie's dialogue feels like Mattei's...it has that Claudio Fragasso fragrance to it. And I may in fact be selling Raiders of Atlantis a little short, as the dialogue occasionally exceeds the lunacy of the Mattei/Fragasso combo. Take for example this exchange between Mike and Kathy:

Mike: "You gotta be like Popeye. Eat your spinach."

Kathy: "I like spinach too!"

Mike: "Well, tell you what. When we're back ashore, and this is all over...I'll take you out to a spinach dinner."

...I'm sorry, what?

That's some Carlos Tobalina shit right there. A spinach dinner? Is spinach by itself really a meal? Is there a restaurant that would comply with a request for just spinach? Is that already an option on their menu? Are they going to be eaten their spinach raw or cooked? If the former, are they at least going to put dressing and croutons on their spinach, or does their love of spinach eclipse any culinary value they could derive from such? As remarkable as this exchange is...it comes back at the ending. This was considered by the screenwriter to be a big moment in the relationship of these characters.

This isn't even disjointed; this is all the joints taken out of the bones, and reassembled into something weird and spider-y. Individual moments, save for the ludicrous dialogue, work by themselves, but this film in no way becomes a gestalt. There is no unification between the punk plot, the Atlantis plot, and the mercenary plot, save for the fact that they are all in this movie. And Deodato definitively succeeds at distracting us from how these plots in no way overlap by smothering us with endless awesome action sequences, ablaze with tripwire decapitations and napalm.

Finally...returning somewhat to the character of Mohamed. It's true that only Italian exploitation directors could make a movie this illogical, but it also took an Italian studio to make an action movie where the hero, or one of the big heroes, is a black Muslim who lives all the way to the end. Seriously, I've yet to see such a thing outside out of, well, the film markets of the Islamic world, and so for this and for everything else he does in the movie, Mohamed is now one of my favorite action movie heroes ever. Let him be one of yours, too!

If you enjoyed this review, please consider sponsoring the site by becoming my Patron on Patreon!

Monday, July 10, 2017

The Rider of the Skulls (1965), by Alfredo Salazar



This is not a B-Western, I swear! A B-Western, as far as I know, is usually defined as being a Western made between the '20s and '50s which was not an A-feature. And, usually, the B-Western proper is bred only in the United States. The Western market changed after the 1950s to a more Italian focus, but The Rider of the Skulls is a Mexican production. And, like a lot of horror films made in Mexico over the last hundred years (to say nothing of the other movies written and directed by Alfredo Salazar), Rider of the Skulls is stunningly offbeat, being probably one of the weirdest Weird Westerns out there.

A werewolf prowls the Mexican countryside, under the control of a witch. He wears a flannel shirt, as is required by all Mexican werewolves, and his mask is pretty goddamn amazing. Eventually, one of the families subjected to the horror of the werewolf--including Don Luis and his wife, plus their son Perico and cowardly butler Cleofas--encounter the Rider of the Skulls, a masked gunfighter whose parents were killed by bandits. He patrols Mexico in search of supernatural evils to dispatch, such as the witch and the werewolf. The witch reveals to the Rider that the werewolf is Don Luis, after she shows off her abilities to summon a zombie, and the Rider is forced to kill him. (If you think it's a spoiler that I reveal that werewolf's identity, well...let's just say that if you want to hide the fact that your freshly introduced character is a werewolf, don't have their wife introduce them by saying that they recently became mysteriously ornery.) He adopts the now-orphaned Perico, as Don Luis killed his wife whilst werewolfing, and he takes on Cleofas as his comic relief sidekick.

The movie doesn't end with the death of the werewolf. In fact, we're just getting started...because now our heroic trio has to take down a vampire! This vampire has an even more amazing mask, and transforms into the fakest movie bat of all time--faker, even, than The Devil Bat. He seeks a girl named Maria to be his companion, and he nearly succeeds in turning her into another of the undead before he too is dispatched by the Rider.

But even that isn't the end of the movie, as the Rider, Perico, and Cleofas discover in the next town they ride up on is haunted by the goddamn Headless Horseman! (Little south of Tarrytown, isn't it?) And best of all, the Headless Horseman's animate severed head is represented by the most amazing mask we've seen so far. Said head turns up in the hands of a woman, whom it beseeches, "Please return me to my body." Upon having his noggin restored, however, the Horseman makes the mistake of cursing out God Himself...not even his robed skeleton minions are that dumb. And you'd better believe that the fury of the Lord comes through the blade of the Rider of the Skulls!

Anthology films are usually dangerous territory, as a lot of critics will tell you. For some reason there's a propensity for anthologies to always have that one segment that fucks up really, really badly, and as such we critical folk walk into them with trepidation. But I dunno...it seems like I've had a lot of really good luck with anthology films recently. Night Train to Terror was a glorious mess, Alien Zone was better than I expected, and my rewatch of Tales from the Quadead Zone went swimmingly. The Rider of the Skulls is definitely an anthology film, and that works tremendously to its benefit. An anthology film, I've realized, can theoretically pack more trashy goodness into its runtime by merit of having the chance to stack its craziness on top of itself. Just as you catch your breath from what came before, something new comes along and plows over you like a bullet train. This is yet another movie that I can almost review just by summarizing it.

If I had to say anything about it to give, y'know, an actual critical opinion, it would be that I really appreciate how it plays with the sort of stories it's dealing with. I can't say that I have ever seen a werewolf, for example, who transforms by first turning into a skeleton, and then being built back up into wolf form. Also, it's really nice to see a werewolf movie that remembers that there usually aren't thirty full moons in a row. The vampire meanwhile has that mask, which makes him look like a bat/human hybrid, but he also spends a lot of his screentime trying to defeat his foes by punching them. And as I mentioned before, the Headless Horseman has his two skeleton sidekicks, which is an interesting addition to the Headless Horseman story. It makes him feel more portentous, and I'm always happy to see skeletons in movies.

Probably cut from episodes of a kid's TV show, or maybe three other movies, The Rider of the Skulls is a three-headed nightmare of a Western, feeling like what would happen if the Blue Demon or El Santo started riding a horse and carrying a six-shooter. Deconstructing its own tropes, but only accidentally, the movie shows the power of low-budget Mexican horror, being one of the best examples of such that I've seen. Make it yours.

If you enjoyed this review, please consider becoming my Patron on Patreon!

Friday, July 7, 2017

The Book of Henry (2017), by Colin Trevorrow



Huh. That's weird. I'm being topical.

Yep, The Book of Henry is still in theaters as of this writing...though I'm sure it will be gone by the time this is finally posted. I don't go out to movie theaters very often Because Anxiety, but I've been trying to do so more often as I've gotten older and better paid. And I try to make it a mix: I'll go see Guardians of the Galaxy Volume 2 one week, and God's Not Dead 2 the next. I keep my ears open for particularly strange movies when I'm feeling in the "bad movie" mode, because as I've said before, if I had a chance to see Voodoo Man or The Face of Marble in theaters back in the day I'd jump at the chance. And there have been some weird movies to arise in the theaters in the last few years. Noah, Winter's Tale, and the complete filmography of Tyler Perry are all things which seem like they would have been theatrical impossibilities in my childhood, serving as inmates of Straight-to-Video Hell. But in time of strife, art becomes weird, and exploitation movies and other shit rises up to the surface. If there is a collective consciousness, it, too, gets the stress pukes, and unlike most vomit the colors we see in this strange distillation of the national soul are beautiful to behold. So let's take a look at Book of Henry's puke, and...well, I think perhaps I've already said too much. Focus on the beauty part of that metaphor, for this movie is something special, which I think will grow in power as history marches on.

We are told the tale of Henry Carpenter, who is a boy genius of boy geniuses. There seems to be no field beyond his grasp and by the age of eleven he has mastered most forms of science. He lives with his mother Susan (Naomi Watts) and brother Peter, and they neighbor the house where Henry's friend (crush?) Christina Sickleman and her stepfather, the local police commissioner, live. Henry eventually determines that Mr. Sickleman abuses Christina, probably sexually--at least physically enough as to cause characters to allude to (offscreen) ER visits. Henry uses all of the tools at his disposal to report the case, but due to both his age and adult apathy no one believes him. Then, he chances upon the decision to kill Mr. Sickleman. And using vast financial resources accumulated from years of brilliant stock market manipulation, he begins to put a plan into action to make the assassination happen--until it turns out he has brain cancer, which he learns from Dr. Lee Pace. (Dr. Bearded!Lee Pace at that, so there's a little somethin' fer the ladies.) Thus, he creates the Book of Henry: a notebook, accompanied by audio journals, which give detailed and explicit instructions to let Susan do the deed herself. Peter gives this to Susan after Henry inevitably does pass away. Susan has so much faith in her son that she believes his evidence, and begins to follow the journals to bring about the end of Mr. Sickleman. And this is when the movie becomes a thriller.

A year ago I worked as a bookseller at the local Barnes & Noble, which was a grueling torture fun exercise in the art of selling memberships and credit cards books. And during that time I became acquainted with what people really read. Contrary to what my professors told me, the vast majority of people don't really have a tendency to read good books, whether that's the "classics" or actual good books. There were a dozen names I would get time and time again which blur together in my mind, authors omnipresent but forgettable. John Sanford? James Patterson? Airport Lit Fic Deep Core-type stuff. Among these are the books marketed seemingly exclusively at White Women, with the caps meaning to make a distinction from white women in general; you probably know what I mean. These books were romance novels, some of them, but also their "more literary" lit fic cousins, which oftentimes are written by white men under pen names. This movie is a White Woman movie, I feel, or it began life as one. Everyone talks in sassy one-liners, even when it makes them seem like aliens. A child dies of cancer, in his mother's arms, no less. The main plot is about child abuse at the hands of a man who is every Movie Abusive Stepdad ever, and obviously comes across as such at first glance. These are things I view as flaws--lazy writing combined with the writing that everyone produces in the early days when they want us to know their characters are COOL. No real cool person talks this quirky, because real cool people are never happy, and quirky people never sound this confident in their aphorisms even if they actually spout them out loud. But I can forgive unrealistic writing, because everything else about the movie is marvelously unrealistic.

Consider that synopsis above. This starts out a movie about a Hollywood Quirky family centered around a boy genius. It then transforms into a rape-revenge-by-proxy movie, and then a four-tissue child-cancer weeper, before shifting back into rape-revenge, this time by double proxy! But the scripting stays consistent, so it never really stops being a quirky/weepy family movie either! Susan and Henry still banter at each even after the latter is reduced to handwriting and tape recordings. He's apparently so good at psychology that he predicted every single thing she would say and do in regards to his orders...include turning the wrong direction walking down the street. This is supposed to be cute, a reflection of how close mother and son were. But there is not a hair of an attempt to suspend disbelief--the movie started with disbelief smashed at the ground floor like a grand piano. That's why I cited Face of Marble up above. This suddenly seems to me like our era's equivalent of a Frankenstein/voodoo/vampire ghost dog mash-up.

For a movie that feels like every minute of its nearly two-hours (for better or worse), Book of Henry feels like it should be a lot longer. There are some curious loose ends left loose that shouldn't be. Namely, it's really only alluded to what Christina's abuse is. There are some hints here and there--Peter mentions that Henry's description of the abuse doesn't entirely make sense to him, suggesting that there are sexual components to it that his child mind doesn't understand (while also implying that Henry's knowledge includes sex ed...because of course it does). We never physically see the abuse, nor any marks from it, just Christina's depression, which could theoretically arise from other factors. It's odd to me that a movie that drops the f-bomb about three or four times, and features a character who is apparently an alcoholic, but they can't mention sexual abuse. The movie is already a bit beyond a PG-13 anyway, and I think they could have pushed it to an R without making it too overtly graphic. The youngest person I saw at my showing looked to be about my age, which is to say early twenties.

Like I said above, this movie is based on the tropes of Books for Middle-Class White People in many ways, and unfortunately that includes sexism. Let's just start by saying that Book of Henry features three female characters of note, and they are Susan, Christina, and Susan's friend Sheila. I will start with Sheila, as she has much less screentime and plot significance. Sheila is Susan's work buddy at the diner she hosts at, as well as her drinking buddy and, based on how the script carries things, maybe her fuck buddy? Sheila spends much of her screentime drunk and/or hungover, and Henry condemns her as an alcoholic, because he's Hollywood Child Precocious and that means he's kind of a heartless little shit--rather what I'd imagine Jude from Alien Lover was like at eleven. He also basically calls her ugly. They make up in the end, but it seems a little tacked on and honestly you just feel a little bad for her.

Significantly more problematic is the character of Susan, who displays an uncomfortable amount of dependence on her son. He does her taxes, secures the family nest egg, and honestly makes most of her decisions. It's so bad she even refuses to sign his consent forms when he's hospitalized for a seizure without consulting him first. She is effectively the child and he is effectively the parent, and they have an explicit conversation in his last days about how she doesn't even know how to be a mother to Peter without Henry's guidance. I can understand letting one be consumed with love for one's son and being proud of their considerable intelligence, especially when it makes one's life much easier, but this is unnatural, which is not a word I use very often. There's a different type of movie waiting in the wings with this sort of dynamic, with a much more sinister and manipulative Henry, perhaps one who caused his mother's dependence on him...but I kid. It just seems weird that a grown woman is viewed in the movie's eyes as being inferior to an eleven-year-old boy.

And then there is Christina. I'd consider her one of the pivotal characters, considering, y'know, she's at the heart of the film's conflict. And also she's an abuse victim. But she gets nothing in this movie. She gets a few murmurs, and one significant conversation, but aside from that we know she is...nice? Henry thought so, at any rate. Oh, she's also a ballerina, and she tips off the school principal that she's being abused because she looks sad while dancing. Christina is never anything more than a plot prop, a living Macguffin, a damsel in distress for whom we are supposed to feel glurgy sadness. Combine this with the vagueness of the abuse, and there's little reason for us to be invested. To give a female character a submissive and weak personality like Susan is one thing--it's another entirely for one of the female leads to have no personality whatsoever. That's what I've seen crop up in those White Woman books which this movie feels so akin to; casual, dismissive, unaware, and glamorized sexism. Fuck you, 21st Century literary fiction. You're usually neither progressive nor authentic.

Now that's a lot of flaws, and I was pretty harsh in presenting them. I don't hate this movie, though--I enjoyed it a ton. The person I saw this with said immediately that the individual scenes all usually work, clunky dialogue and all, even if they add up to something very bizarre holistically. I think that fact is actually what makes the movie. It's like a string of mini-movies that lead towards one big movie that makes relatively little sense. It's not like something like, say, Time of the Apes, which wears its status as a hyper-compressed TV series on its sleeve. And it's not like Bloody Wednesday, where it's a bunch of increasingly nonsensical additions that add up to something that feels like a dream. This movie feels like it couldn't possibly have enough material for several TV episodes and it's generally grounded in reality. Until you think about it.

All I know is that I'm happy I got to see this in theaters. For all the crap I gave the dialogue, there are some pretty clever lines in here, if not some genius ones; and I was fond of the tiny Naomi Watts/Lee Pace romance that cropped up here and there, plus the sexual tension between Susan and Sheila. And the acting is awesome all throughout, even from and even especially from the kids. You'll laugh at this movie like you do with "bad" movies, but it won't be quite the same. I wish I knew what the precise feeling was, but I'll fun finding out when it hits home video. Join me, won't you?

If you liked this review, considering sponsoring the site on Patreon!

---

Image Source: IMP Awards