Dragon Fury (1995), by David Heavener

I'm not gonna lie, guys, I have trouble reviewing action movies for some reason. Especially post-apocalyptic ones. I love myself plenty of post-apocalyptic action movies, but they make me feel so passive. I can't find the words to describe them. Yet, all the same, I know people out there wanna read about strange action movies, especially ones which might got mutants in 'em. Unfortunately there are no mutants here, just weird pseudo-albinos. Despite the severe lack of disfigured rubbery creatures, Dragon Fury is still a pretty good time, a minor time-travel epic that only the '90s could produce.

Mason is a dragon warrior in the year 2099, in a world ravaged by "the Plague." He saves a woman and her daughter from the evil ninjas who have murdered her husband. They are pursued by a pasty-faced dude in black robes named Vestor, and Mason has reached the end of his patience as far as this whole post-apocalyptic thing. With the help of his scientist friend he and his wife Regina travel back in time to 1999 to find a scientist who once created a cure for the Plague. The Plague, it seems, was the creation of an evil corporation, which Vestor may work for (?). In any case, Vestor sends some of his minions back in time to stop Mason and Regina. And they're on a time limit, too--the time portal can only stay open for 36 hours!

This is the exactly the sort of movie I would love to see on TV if I had a time machine to take me back to 1999. Resembling an unholy blend of The Terminator, Time Chasers, Games of Survival, Jack Kirby's OMAC and Kamandi comics, a Deathstalker/Ator-style adventure film, and a lot of other stuff ripped off that I couldn't even begin to mention, the movie is a perfect artifact of the era it was created in. Everyone has horrible hair and wears leather in places where leather shouldn't go, and the villain is a grungy middle-aged guy in a doofy costume. Just a few degrees in a certain direction and I would hate this movie as well as I love it in its present form.

What helps make this movie a treat is its weird balance between grungy '90s edginess and low-budget '90s comic relief. You can imagine my surprise when we snapped suddenly to a hotel room on a 30ish couple's wedding night. "C'mon, babycakes, daddy's waitin' for you!" coaxes the husband. Suddenly, Regina falls back through the time portal, only half-clothed for...reasons. The wife, of course, assumes that he is already cheating on her. If only they'd had the tact to include wah-wah music.

But then, we have the scene where Vestor's minions arrive from the future. They are confronted by a gang of punks who assume that they are shirtless and passed out because they have just gotten done having gay sex--never mind that they still have their pants on, and they're in the middle of the dirtiest alley I've seen in a movie. After shouting a bunch of homophobic slurs, they threaten to gang-rape them, leading to them getting their asses kicked. I'm always happy to see homophobic rapists get their asses handed to them. Bonus points if it's by shirtless barbarians from the future.

And then there's just the strange stuff, which may not be meant to be funny. For example, time travel gives you amnesia, but don't worry! Regina went along on the trip because she knows that time travel amnesia is curable by sex. The scene leading into their big sex scene is astonishingly scripted, and it's amusing to note that this movie even went so far as to crib the lighting and shadow from The Terminator's sex scene in their desperation to rip off The Terminator.

I don't know what else I can add to that, aside from the possible fact that one of the fight scenes has graffiti in the background of Marvel's Green Goblin. That's pretty fucking cool. So is the rest of Dragon Fury--I'm always happy to have a post-apocalyptic time travel action movie, especially when it involves a metric shitton of samurai swords. May the spirit of the dragon never die.

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Ninja the Protector (1986), by Godfrey Ho

Oh my God, our first Godfrey Ho movie! There's no time do an intro now! Just understand that Godfrey Ho is that guy who made over 130 utterly cheap, utterly crazy ninja movies throughout the later end of the 20th Century. This is one of the ones he did with sword 'n' sandal superstar Richard Harrison, who appeared in many Ho movies as "Ninja Master Gordon." As ever, Godfrey Ho promises us NONSTOP NINJA ACTION, and as ever, he delivers on it. Ninja the Protector's started without us, let's go!

A gangster named Bruce runs several different crime operations, including a counterfeiting ring, and Gordon and his white-dude operatives face him down. They are confused by the track-suit dressed men who engage them in challenges of martial arts, but learn from one of them that they are "Ninjas." "What's a Ninja?" they ask Gordon. "Ha, ha, ha. Just a fairy tale," he replies. Meanwhile, in Plot B, a salesman works his way up the company, fucking his boss on the beach and failing to protect her from getting raped. This movie incidentally contains what is probably the most tasteless jump cut I've ever seen, wherein we cut from a rape scene to an office where two men are talking with Gordon in front of a poster showing a bound and gagged woman that says "It could happen to you." Full apologies: it's a little disturbing. Just lose yourself in Plot A, with its irreversibly silly ninja battles--after all, that's what people come to a Godfrey Ho movie for, right?

Now that we've caught our breath a little, I can do some 'splaining: this Plot A and Plot B stuff is a reference to the fact that most of Ho's movies, even ones as short as the 67-minute-long Ninja the Protector, are usually made of two older movies that Ho acquired that he sewed together using dubbing. Usually the characters in the two movies would establish the connection by calling each other on the phone, possibly even though a phone that looks like Garfield the Cat. It's a technique that inspired my linking of the two novellas in my book Tail of the Lizard King. In this case, Plot A is made up of footage with Harrison and Ho's other white actors, while Plot B, connected as always by a phone call, is an old Asian film, in this case a drama or rape-revenge thriller of some kind, with the crooks in B being stated to be the goons of the ninjas.

All throughout we encounter other Godfrey Ho tropes, including groups of criminals all independently unleashing a chorus of "Heh, heh, heh, heh"'s. Godfrey Ho makes being a criminal look fun! Plus, the dubs will make you pine for the fjords of Godzilla vs. Megalon. I have unfortunately become desensitized, but if you are alien to the world of Ho, you will be reborn in a new image. Cheapness is the name of the game here, and it permeates deep.

Ninja the Protector is not without flaws. Like almost all of Ho's films, even the action gets tiresome at some point. There are no characters to really latch onto, though I suppose the Plot B romance is okay and sad and the banter between Gordon and the other Plot A commandos about whether or not ninjas exist is pretty hilarious, though perhaps not for the reasons intended. These are moments incidental to the characters, however. Ho has a talent for animating cardboard, but he can't make it flesh. Usually the only emotion that his characters make us feel is testosterone during the fight scenes, which do drag on. This lack of depth makes the rape scenes, of which there appear to be two, even more tasteless than before, because of the lack of effort that could be afforded to it. But if you need to fill an hour, and maybe want to open yourself up to a new world in that time, check it out. Let the excitement power you through the day. 

Holy Sword (1982)/Death Warrior (1984), by Çetin Inanç and Cüneyt Arkin

...these are honestly the only two Turkish movies I need to review on this site.

Almost everyone now has heard of the insanity of Turkish cinema, and of that percentage of the thus-blessed population, most of them have heard of it primarily through Dünyayi Kurtaran Adam, aka Turkish Star Wars, or 3 dev adam, aka Captain America and Santo vs. Spider-Man. I love the former, and have gotten a kick or two out of the latter. Usually people point out that a lot of Turkish movies--at least, a lot of the ones that we Americans have actually heard of--are new, weirder takes on Western films, though one will notice that the most famous of these films, Turkish Star Wars, doesn't resemble Star Wars at all, plot-wise. Today's movies--if they can be describes as movies, in the sense of being plural and actual movies--are original stories, though if they did come close to ripping anything off, it would be the filmography of Godfrey Ho. A man whose filmography looks like this. Yeah, I wasn't kidding when I said I was leaving movies like last week's behind...Holy Sword and Death Warrior are probably the most exciting, unfettered, kinetic, bizarre movies I have ever seen. Because of their weirdness, energy, and Cüneyt Arkin star power--he's Turkish Han Solo and basically the greatest action star of all time--they are quintessential Turkish films for people who dig this sort of thing.

First, some clarification. I've decided to do a "double feature" on these movies because...they're kind of the same movie. As far as I know, both of them aired on TV two years apart, and Arkin didn't serve as co-director on Holy Sword. I encountered these movies via Death Warrior, and when I finally tracked down Holy Sword I was surprised to find a lot of familiar scenes. In fact, the same scenes, just in a different order. I feel as if there may be a few scenes that appear in one movie or not the other but there's nothing in my memory denying that those "scenes" were actually footage from the shared scenes that was cut depending on the version of the movie. But rest assured--Death Warrior is not a remake or repackaging of Holy Sword. It is a bona fide sequel, and I know this because at one point a character explains, "Two years ago in Germany was ninja terror," referencing the movie's previous (ostensible) setting in Berlin. And as if a movie's sequel being composed entirely of remixed footage from the first movie was not enough, there is the trifling matter of the subtitles that adorned my bootleg. God bless Google Translate. I'm sure I'll say more later.

Regardless of which movie you're watching, the plot is the same--an evil Ninja Master is leading his army of supernatural warriors against the world, in the name of controlling everything! And these ninjas are already a force to be reckoned with. Not only do they have an army of zombies, and the ability to breathe underwater and live without food, but they have mastery of alchemy. Who could possibly stop these immortal zombie-controlling gold-creating monsters? It turns out that Inspector Murat, aka Cüneyt Arkin, is on the case. Murat has two things on his side: he is the world's greatest martial arts master, and he is incapable of being surprised or flummoxed by anything. But don't think that means he lacks energy--Arkin action-mugs to every shot and is still charismatic as fuck outside of the fight scenes. Most of these movies are comprised of fight scenes. Are you surprised? If you are, watch Ninja Terminator and reinvent your definition of cinema. Even in the movies' downtime people are having their faces ripped off by mummies or being strangled by garden plants. There is a shockingly generic romance that occurs between Murat and Füsun Uçar, who was also Arkin's girlfriend in Turkish Star Wars. And consequently, there is no boredom here, not for a second. These are movies that threatens to repel its audience through sheer noise rather than a lack of anything interesting--shield your mind well and float downstream, or you will die of an adrenaline overdose.

If you can find this, hope it's the same as my copy, because you don't want to miss the now oft-mentioned subtitles. The Ninja Master instructs his evil pupils in the ways of archery: "Five arrow not enough. But matchstick" Lack of period included. Or how about the endlessly quotable "Zombies coming underground"? And it's hard to not cry laughing over putting "Help." over a woman whose scream sounds roughly akin to "AAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH." That the audio people also at least doubled the sounds of people screaming or fighting (so as to make them as loud as possible, you see) makes whatever script these movies had into an audiovisual waking nightmare.

Like many of the Turkish films that have filtered down to us mere mortals, the technical aspects are the final icing on the cake. The shots are all dynamic but not sophisticated--they were shot in a matter of days if not hours for an audience of similar patience. Characters teleport at random, and some shots last for mere fractions of seconds before they cut to something else, usually someone fighting or being killed. The sound and video were probably faded to the garish whining (gorgeous) shit we see today when they first aired. They could also only afford one stock effect for people punching each other, which appears to be comprised of a wet flour sack being hit by a stick while someone grunts off-camera. This sound effect never gets old even people are being punched a million times a second, and it is occasionally intercut with the sword duels (!!!) which also only one "clang" sound effect ad hilarium. These sound effects play even when the punches or slashes clearly miss by several feet.

Bless those in my life who showed me a plethora of good movies in my youth, so that the awesomeness of these ones could break me in my adulthood. Every time I watch them, they leave me at a loss for air, and my head spins. Human lungs can't keep up with speed like this.

I'm not kidding, folks. I know I sort of take on the role of a "character" in these reviews, but if that character exists, I break them to let you know that these movies are indispensable. If I found out I missed them in mortal life after my death, I would feel cheated. I would be depressed for the rest of eternity. Do not do that too yourself--you are too good. This is nonstop ninja action, and it is probably the absolute best at what it does. Though as always, I dare somehow to prove me wrong.

Shogun Assassin (1980), by Kenji Misumi/Robert Houston

I know what you're thinking. How could I take a website dedicated to the review of trash movies and have it feature a review of Shogun Assassin, a movie critically acclaimed all by itself, being in turn made from the first two films of the 1970s Lone Wolf and Cub series, which was comprised entirely of films that were all critically acclaimed? Well, I'm going to follow the Rule of Fun and treat this movie rather like a trash movie. I've always viewed it as such ever since it made the rounds a couple times with one of my friend groups in high school. Shogun Assassin is such an outrageously violent movie that it inspires the sort of hilarity that one often finds in the creme de la creme of trash flicks. It's also dominated by a sense of The Weird that similarly plagues or brightens the types of martial arts movies one would find in the gutter. (Some of which I'll hopefully get to soon!) Besides, I'm currently doing a Godzilla retrospective, and Toho was responsible for the Lone Wolf and Cub films, adapted from the Kazuo Koike/Goseki Kojima manga of the same name. I assure you, everything will work out! Now grab your best baby carriage and get running. The forces of darkness are not far behind, and vengeance is a long journey ahead!

In medieval Japan, a samurai works for a shogun who begins to go insane with old age. He helps the shogun carry out increasingly violent purges of the old man's supposed enemies until the shogun turns his efforts inward, and has the samurai's wife assassinated. The samurai, now calling himself Lone Wolf, goes on the run with his infant son--who partially narrates the story, by the way. The shogun also narrates, but he sounds eternally constipated. Because this is a Toho movie the American dub actors didn't take it fucking seriously at all. They may not have been paid enough to. Anyway, Lone Wolf accepts assassination jobs for money, and eventually gets orders to kill the shogun's brother, Lord Kiru. Lord Kiru is protected by three brothers called the Masters of Death. On this quest, he has numerous run-ins with ninjas, which quickly reveal that a lot of the budget must have gone into the literal gallons of blood that spray everywhere in this movie. And that is the primary crux of Shogun Assassin--endless scenes of blades, spears, or claws ripping flesh till everyone is a blood geyser. Even the Cub's baby carriage is a weapon--it has hidden swords in it that cut people's legs off! And a lot of stuff in this film is white, too. It was designed to show off a ton of blood, and tons of severed legs, noses, ears--the works. Somewhere, H.G. Lewis is blushing. Guess what, at the end, the hero wins, and the bad guys end up in piles of chunks. It is a movie with two options: life and death. Some receive the former--most get the latter.

The gore of this film is certainly one of its big selling points. I don't want to dwell on it, but it really is incredible how much work they put into making this film so shockingly violent. People get vertically sliced in half, jugulars are hacked--basically, think of anything horribly brutal a sword can do, and a sword will do that in this movie. That's all I'm going to say.

It is not a very dialogue heavy movie, but when people do talk, it doesn't sound natural. I already sorta touched on that. It's a hard movie to take seriously, from a dramatic perspective, if people are talking in a scene. But again, it is nearly silent. Ambient sound usually replaces music, and what music there is, is pretty awesome. And fortunately, the actor dubbing Lone Wolf is pretty solid, though in all fairness I don't want to seem quite so hard on the dubwork by and large. But when your two narrators are as ridiculous as the ones in this film you do have to joke a little.

The final showdown in the desert is great. One of the Masters of Death, the one with the garden rake/Wolverine claw setup, ends up finding a group of anti-shogun rebels by stabbing the sand with his claws on a whim. It turns out the rebels, who apparently don't need oxygen, are hiding under bamboo mats underground. He lifts him up by the head, and throws him around, and then does that to three or four more guys. Each of the Masters meet their fates in the most overdramatic ways, each losing about a bucket of paint in the process. Life is cheap and immortals are real in this universe. Lone Wolf proves that.

My one criticism of the film probably is that Lone Wolf is basically invincible. Yeah, he gets cut once and develops a fever from the infection, but he basically just goes into a coma for a few hours and is fighting again minutes later. As any action movie fan knows, it is pretty great to watch someone driven by vengeance cut a lot of people down. But at no point did I seriously believe Lone Wolf would meet his maker. Still, the thrill of seeing him wipe out hundreds of ninjas (contrasted to the mere dozens of something comparably crazy like a Godfrey Ho movie) really makes up for it. That's probably why I'm talking about it on this site, in all honesty--it is not bound to reality. We are not expected to view Lone Wolf as someone with ordinary skills, and that's what makes it a great watch.

Shogun Assassin has paled to me somewhat over time, but also waxed in its power to draw affection from me as well. It is no longer as shocking or gratuitous as it was when I saw it as a kid--I've seen much more insane and graphic films at this point, to be sure--but it also will always have a special place in my heart as one of the awful but astounding movies I got to see with some of my favorite people. Things were simpler then--I didn't have my student loans, my tight work schedule, my anxiety over the struggle of career success. Watching it can take me back to a time when I could laugh easier.

Having returned to it today, I'll be feeling good for a long, long while. And it'll make you feel good too.