I realized quickly that one of the fastest ways to find which of the Golden Age B-Westerns were the most entertaining was to simply look for the ones considered to be the worst. Sinister Cinema says The Phantom Cowboy is the worst B-Western of their collection, and I can totally believe it. It didn't take long for me to realize I'd struck some sort of gold--my sources revealed that director Robert J. Horner is generally considered to be the absolute worst of the B-Western directors, having also produced The Border Menace, often listed as one of the probable nadirs of Westerns of this age. The man was something of a legend, it sounds like: missing his legs and one of his eyes, he was a career debtor who often solicited his actresses to go to bed with him. The Phantom Cowboy was his final directorial project before he died of cirrhosis in 1942. It's hard to imagine a world that would let The Phantom Cowboy into theaters today, but that means the film is all the more unique--indeed, it has been a long time since I've seen a movie so utterly bereft of so many kinds of quality.
A young woman named Ruth Rogers is robbed by the masked Phantom Bandit, whose mask even covers his eyes. "Hand over your family jewels!" the Bandit demands before riding off. Fortunately, she meets cowboy Bill Collins shortly after her ordeal. Bill comes with his own comic relief sidekick, Ptomaine Pete. Pete acts like a pirate and seems to have brain damage; he's played by Jimmy Aubrey, who seems to have played the same character in a bunch of other shitty Westerns, including The Border Menace. I think this is actually the hammiest performance I've ever seen, and possibly the worst performance I've ever seen as well. But God does it have energy. Anyway, after a swimming interlude, Bill and Pete meet the Phantom Bandit, who is Bill's double save for a ridiculous fake mustache. He explains that he's an "honest prospector" who only robs people at gunpoint "as a sideline." You see he has a rich uranium claim which local bandit Buck Houston has wanted to get after. In lieu of not turning him in for the reward money, he will pay the two to help him stop Houston.
Ruth Rogers, meanwhile, has found herself in trouble with Houston's gang--answering an ad calling for "schoolteachers," she has been drafted as a dance hall girl and perhaps also as a prostitute. On top of that, her brother Jack is in with the gang, and when his lighter is found at the site of an empty safe the gang was planning to rob, they beat the tar out of him, thinking that he robbed it early to keep the loot for himself. With a warning of spoilers--here's where things get weird. Eventually the Phantom decides to go after Houston, but is shot by him. As he is dying, Ruth grieves over him, thinking he's Bill (this is basically the only payoff for the whole "mysterious doubles" thing). However, Bill arrives, pursued by Houston, and the dying Phantom shoots and kills Houston. Not only do Bill, Pete, and Ruth get the Phantom's claim, but they also get the reward for technically finding him. But then the Phantom also reveals that he robbed the safe and framed Ruth's brother, which nearly got him killed. He explains that "it was the only way" to stop Houston, but that's fucking bullshit when all he had to do was shoot the man! Ah, well, Ruth and Bill don't seem to mind--and they get their Heterosexual Happy Ending.
Ah, this film. Every shot is cut either too early or too late, and this particular fault manifests almost immediately after the last opening credit rolls. The weird anti-art of the shot of the Phantom with his cloth draped across his face is a chronal echo of the chiropractic not-Bela of Plan 9 from Outer Space--it appears, vanishes, appears again. Combine this with nonexistent framing, blocking, and lighting, and you dive deep into a compositional nightmare. Every line is either badly written or poorly delivered. Our ostensible star, Ted Wells, is particularly egregious, reading this lines in seeming prescient imitation of none other than Torgo. Trust me, you have to hear it to believe it, especially when the Phantom is dying, and his voice changes depending on whether he's onscreen or not. The best explanation I can give for Wells' performance is that the actor got his start in the silent era, and therefore is unused to the idea of actually worrying about the tone and cadence of his voice. All the same, every second in which either Bill or the Phantom talks is a marvelous experience.
Watch this movie at least until a character offers Ruth "a little mountain dew." Then you will get to see the Phantom's aforementioned fake mustache, and how the movie dwells on it way more than it healthily should, including showing the Phantom "shaving" it off. He even calls it a beard at one point! It's great. This movie is great. Life can be good sometimes.
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