...these are honestly the only two Turkish movies I need to review on this site.
Almost everyone now has heard of the insanity of Turkish cinema, and of that percentage of the thus-blessed population, most of them have heard of it primarily through Dünyayi Kurtaran Adam, aka Turkish Star Wars, or 3 dev adam, aka Captain America and Santo vs. Spider-Man. I love the former, and have gotten a kick or two out of the latter. Usually people point out that a lot of Turkish movies--at least, a lot of the ones that we Americans have actually heard of--are new, weirder takes on Western films, though one will notice that the most famous of these films, Turkish Star Wars, doesn't resemble Star Wars at all, plot-wise. Today's movies--if they can be describes as movies, in the sense of being plural and actual movies--are original stories, though if they did come close to ripping anything off, it would be the filmography of Godfrey Ho. A man whose filmography looks like this. Yeah, I wasn't kidding when I said I was leaving movies like last week's behind...Holy Sword and Death Warrior are probably the most exciting, unfettered, kinetic, bizarre movies I have ever seen. Because of their weirdness, energy, and Cüneyt Arkin star power--he's Turkish Han Solo and basically the greatest action star of all time--they are quintessential Turkish films for people who dig this sort of thing.
First, some clarification. I've decided to do a "double feature" on these movies because...they're kind of the same movie. As far as I know, both of them aired on TV two years apart, and Arkin didn't serve as co-director on Holy Sword. I encountered these movies via Death Warrior, and when I finally tracked down Holy Sword I was surprised to find a lot of familiar scenes. In fact, the same scenes, just in a different order. I feel as if there may be a few scenes that appear in one movie or not the other but there's nothing in my memory denying that those "scenes" were actually footage from the shared scenes that was cut depending on the version of the movie. But rest assured--Death Warrior is not a remake or repackaging of Holy Sword. It is a bona fide sequel, and I know this because at one point a character explains, "Two years ago in Germany was ninja terror," referencing the movie's previous (ostensible) setting in Berlin. And as if a movie's sequel being composed entirely of remixed footage from the first movie was not enough, there is the trifling matter of the subtitles that adorned my bootleg. God bless Google Translate. I'm sure I'll say more later.
Regardless of which movie you're watching, the plot is the same--an evil Ninja Master is leading his army of supernatural warriors against the world, in the name of controlling everything! And these ninjas are already a force to be reckoned with. Not only do they have an army of zombies, and the ability to breathe underwater and live without food, but they have mastery of alchemy. Who could possibly stop these immortal zombie-controlling gold-creating monsters? It turns out that Inspector Murat, aka Cüneyt Arkin, is on the case. Murat has two things on his side: he is the world's greatest martial arts master, and he is incapable of being surprised or flummoxed by anything. But don't think that means he lacks energy--Arkin action-mugs to every shot and is still charismatic as fuck outside of the fight scenes. Most of these movies are comprised of fight scenes. Are you surprised? If you are, watch Ninja Terminator and reinvent your definition of cinema. Even in the movies' downtime people are having their faces ripped off by mummies or being strangled by garden plants. There is a shockingly generic romance that occurs between Murat and Füsun Uçar, who was also Arkin's girlfriend in Turkish Star Wars. And consequently, there is no boredom here, not for a second. These are movies that threatens to repel its audience through sheer noise rather than a lack of anything interesting--shield your mind well and float downstream, or you will die of an adrenaline overdose.
If you can find this, hope it's the same as my copy, because you don't want to miss the now oft-mentioned subtitles. The Ninja Master instructs his evil pupils in the ways of archery: "Five arrow not enough. But matchstick" Lack of period included. Or how about the endlessly quotable "Zombies coming underground"? And it's hard to not cry laughing over putting "Help." over a woman whose scream sounds roughly akin to "AAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH." That the audio people also at least doubled the sounds of people screaming or fighting (so as to make them as loud as possible, you see) makes whatever script these movies had into an audiovisual waking nightmare.
Like many of the Turkish films that have filtered down to us mere mortals, the technical aspects are the final icing on the cake. The shots are all dynamic but not sophisticated--they were shot in a matter of days if not hours for an audience of similar patience. Characters teleport at random, and some shots last for mere fractions of seconds before they cut to something else, usually someone fighting or being killed. The sound and video were probably faded to the garish whining (gorgeous) shit we see today when they first aired. They could also only afford one stock effect for people punching each other, which appears to be comprised of a wet flour sack being hit by a stick while someone grunts off-camera. This sound effect never gets old even people are being punched a million times a second, and it is occasionally intercut with the sword duels (!!!) which also only one "clang" sound effect ad hilarium. These sound effects play even when the punches or slashes clearly miss by several feet.
Bless those in my life who showed me a plethora of good movies in my youth, so that the awesomeness of these ones could break me in my adulthood. Every time I watch them, they leave me at a loss for air, and my head spins. Human lungs can't keep up with speed like this.
I'm not kidding, folks. I know I sort of take on the role of a "character" in these reviews, but if that character exists, I break them to let you know that these movies are indispensable. If I found out I missed them in mortal life after my death, I would feel cheated. I would be depressed for the rest of eternity. Do not do that too yourself--you are too good. This is nonstop ninja action, and it is probably the absolute best at what it does. Though as always, I dare somehow to prove me wrong.
No comments:
Post a Comment